Step Away From the Balls...

I was doing more normal blog surfing yesterday and when I ran up on Nikki's blog about dudes who just don't get the point I felt it was my duty to represent for all the men out there who go through the same thing. So this post is sorta like Roxanne Shante responding to UTFO but in reverse. Get it?

Regardless of what women will tell you a crazy chick is ten times harder to get rid of than an obsessed dude and probably 40 times more dangerous. You know the women I'm talking about. The chick who you thought was cool because she was into sports and then she starts recounting the entire Dallas Cowboy history but her butt was huge so you took her number anyway in hopes that she could be converted? Or the one that in the first few minutes of your conversation she hits you with the "so do you go downtown?" and you hit her with the "well it depends on what city I'm in and from the smell of things you're Southeast D.C."(UGH!) You thought she was that chick but it turns out she was the oh no not that chick?!

Those persistent ones that can't take a hint.The ones that grab a hold of your leg like a dog in heat and no matter how hard you shake they refuse to budge.They call you with conversations full of languor and say silly stuff like "you know my friend Ayanna said I should leave you alone" or "how come I haven't heard from you?" Which you answer dryly, "Ayanna said that? She must be still mad about me getting that nut in her hair" and "You haven't heard from me because I can't get a signal in the free clinic."

Or when they look for reasons to instant message you and even if you never respond they just keep sending messages. They force you to lie to them "my boss is right here I can't talk" but it's a saturday afternoon. Then when you finally stop trying to be nice and say "you know you and I just don't make sense. We can still be cool but.." And she cuts you off "I know! We don't make sense which is why this is eerie. I've never liked someone like you." And then proceeds to talk for another 3 hours about everything from her last 12 ex's to what colors she wants her wedding to be and at some point she forgets that a conversation should involve two people but somehow you're happy that she's entertaining herself so now you don't have to.

Of course the crazy bitches always have the best sex because they've convinced themselves they are in love with you and get wetter than New Orleans after Katrina. It's saturday night, the club just let out and the liquor is coursing through your veins. You wanna call Kinyetta because you know she's got that fire but she's stuck on some other dude right now. Charltia is in Miami for the week and Tasha is still mad at you for screwing her sister....on her birthday. So your options are down to Crazy Crystal, Paxil popping Pam, and Loopy Latrice. Pam did some foul shit to your pet rotweiler(damn shame what they did to that dog.) and Crystal says she's *pregnant every time you touch her so you decide on Latrice. You know all she's going to do is talk about the kids she teaches and you start convincing yourself that she's really a good person. She's a school teacher for goodness sakes! Her personality is as dry as a piece of toast but she has a huge round yellow ass and that's the main thing, at least right now.

So you smash her.

And she starts whispering she loves you in your ear and how she wants to have your babies.

Goddamn Hennessey got you again!

Now she feels it's ok to call you at work and tell you what she's cooking for dinner, like that's going to get you to come over. She shows up in the parking lot of your job when you get off work because she was "in the neighborhood". Bitch this is an industrial park in the middle of nowhere. What were you doing feeding the squirrels?

Well your King has some solutions for these situations. If you use them and you end up married to Crazy Crystal or in the hospital because of Paxil Pam it's not my fault.

Scenario Uno: You meet a young lady on your blog. She comments everyday and she flirts incessantly. Knowing people on the internet are as looney as Daffy Duck you feel her out for awhile before finally giving out your number. The first few times you talk over the phone she's cool but then out of the blue she tells you that you need to stop calling her. Then two days later she calls and says she just said that because she "likes you so much". Um ok. This hot and cold act goes on for the next 2 months before you open your email one day and see a messgae from her saying LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! Which you happily oblige the chick you now refer to as the See Saw Girl. Two months later she sends you a text message saying "Hi how have you been?" You really like her when she's taking her meds but to avoid getting caught up in more of the back and forth how do you rid yourself of this unbalanced broad?

A) Tell her that you're a Scientologist and that you worship outer space pumas and the winners of hot dog eating competitions or whatever unstable lunacy it is that sientology teaches.

B) Invite her over and tell her that you feel so close to her that you want to show her something. Then proceed to show her a room full of pictures of Auschwitz and Hiroshima taped and pasted to the wall and lean in and whisper in her ear "I masturbate in here two to three times a night and I want you to join me."

C) Do the whole romantic evening thing with candles and stawberries dipped in chocolate and right when she starts ripping your close off you tell her to hold on while you get the video camera out because your wife "loves to watch you do fat chicks."

Sidenote:Now if she is still down with the get down after trying option C you might want to just deal with her crazy freaky ass because that's a down ass broad!

Scenario dos: You're at the sports bar with your boys when this fine young lady approaches you and asks if you're single. You flash your million dollar smile and do your best James Bond impersonation "why yes, yes I am." She then tells you that her fiend has sent her over to get your number. She points out her friend but you can't see her because of that moose that's in the way. Wait. The moose is her friend. You see three prescription bottles on the table and she's popping pills and washing them down with vodka. Straight. Her friend signals for her to come on over and when she gets there she has lipstick on her teeth and her voice is reminiscent of Barry White. Now she's there and her friend has informed her that you're single and she pulls out her phone and is ready to exchange numbers. What do you do?

A) Start typing her number into your phone and then abruptly stop and look up at her, point your finger directly at her nose and slowly say "stop, not another word out of your filthy mouth." When she tries to say something put your hands over your ears and run out of the bar screaming NO! NO! STOP IT! IT'S NOT TRUE!

B) Take the number and then start high fiving your friends right in front of her and say "I told yall that bitch was a freak! Who else wants the number?"

C) Take the number and as you're putting in her name say it aloud "Tubby crumb covered mess."

Scenario Tres: She tells you that she loves sports and she's a die har Cowboy fan and you love the Redskins. Even if she looks like Halle Berry with Oprah's money there's really only one answer for this.

CUT HER BRAKE LINES! ONE LESS COWBOY FAN MAKES THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE!!!

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Now all these ridiculous scenarios can be avoided if you have what I like to call "a backbone" and just man up. Say what's on your mind and avoid hurting anybody else's feelings or at least do it in a reasonable manner. Is that as fun as scaring the crap out of women to get them to leave you alone? No. Hell no! But playing games can always backfire and you could end up with two or three kids with Nasty Nancy and every time you pull her legs apart it's reminiscent of pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich. Great. Now I'm hungry.


So what would you do in these situations or in general?

* If a woman ever tell you she's pregnant and you have doubts scientists say we should punch them in the stomach and if she screams "MY BABY!", well there you go. And if not, then hey, no harm done.