My alarm clock goes off. It's 5:40 a.m. With my eyes still shut I fumble with the buttons to turn off what seems like a siren going off inside my head. I roll back over and pull the covers over my head in attempt to steal a few more minutes of sleep. 3 minutes later my television comes on and I reluctantly sit up and listen to the news for a few minutes. After doing my pushups and relieving my bladder I walk back into my bedroom where my peripheral vision catches a glimpse of him in my mirror. "Nah it couldn't be", I say as I back up to take a second look. As I stand and stare in the mirror I am reminded of a line from a Jay-Z song, "Damn. That man's face is just like my face". I smile to myself and continue on with my morning ritual.
I walk like him. I talk like him. Our mannerisms are identical. The resemblance is quite frankly uncanny. He's my dad and like a 5 year old on the playground I still truly believe he's the smartest, coolest guy on the planet. Simply put my daddy can beat your daddy! Whenever I'm around him I notice how he reacts to people and situations. It's like I know exactly what he's thinking. I can tell what he's going to say before he says it. I also know that it is extremely tough for him to show emotion. He masks his hurt with sarcasm and his quick wit. Sound familiar? I'm not sure whether the genes were passed down to me or its learned behavior.
My dad and my brother talk on the phone all the time. Pops will go to his house and sit down and have a few beers and they talk about life and raising kids. He's proud of my brother for handling his business when it comes to his children. But there has been awkwardness between him and me as long as I can remember. It has gradually gotten worse since I was 10 and heard him tell one of his friends that my brother was his favorite and that he "wasn't sure about that other boy". He never knew that I heard him say it but I remember having an extremely hot feeling rush through my body. For a long time I thought that feeling was anger but in hindsight I know it was fear. It was the fear of a young man feeling as if his father didn't like him. It was fear of not being approved by the one person I thought was always right. If he wasn't sure about me then maybe, just maybe there was something wrong with me.
For years I would go back and forth deciding whether to try to do things to earn his respect and admiration or to do things just to irritate him even more. In my early twenties during a huge argument I finally revealed the secret that I had held onto for so many years of hearing him say those things to his friend. As I spoke my emotions were like that of a prisoner being released after decade long sentence. I looked into his eyes and I could see he felt ashamed and unsure about what to say to me. After an intervention by my mother we were able to talk like we hadn't done before. A lot of the scars I had been nursing for years began to scab, I felt like we were on our way to healing our relationship.
Slowly but surely we've reverted back to our old roles. Mine, the unsure young man and his, the stubborn older man. When I call home and he answers the phone it's always an uncomfortable greeting and him quickly saying "hold on, let me get your mother." I want to tell him "No I called to talk to you!", but my tongue melts into my gums and the words are never spoken.
The Jay-Z song that I referenced earlier was written by him after his father died. His father never got to hear his son express how he felt. I don't want that to be the case with my father and myself. We have to mend this before it's too late. I have resolved to call him and talk about anything that pops up at least once a week. I will call him and ask for advice because if I was a father I know I'd love that. I'll call him and tell him a joke that only people with our weird dry sense of humor will think is funny. It's going to be awkward at first and tough on the both of us but a wise man once told me a real man will make tough sacrifices for his family. I'll never forget that wise man, especially since I look so much like him.
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