The Kingy Awards...

Welcome ladies and gentleman to the 1st Annual Kingy Awards! Not only that but it's also the King's 100th post! I've come a long way from my original post back when I thought I could really make some money using the adsense thing. Who knew I had this much to talk about?! I went from writing stuff just to make myself laugh to becoming an internet phenomenon. Thank you to all of My Loyal Subjects, especially the members of the Dynasty and the Commission.

Now if you are all ready let's hand out some awards shall we?! All winners can give their acceptance speech in the comments section and I expect to see something on your blogs as well!!!

Ladies and gentleman please welcome our first two presenters. Leesa and Nikki!!!

Leesa: So Nik, we are here to present the award for Blogger you most want to hump male. Who do you think will win?
Nikki: C'mon Leesa. This is King's blog, nobody else stands a chance!
Leesa: You don't think he'll be fair?
Nikki: Do you read this guy's blog? He thinks he's God's gift to the human race!
Leesa: Well he is special.
Nikki: Huh? Goddamn white women.
Leesa: Don't hate. And the nominees are...

Ddot the King

Grant

Rell

Arson


Leesa: And the winner is...
Nikki: Rell!!! Congratulations Rell. We'll be looking forward to hearing your acceptance speech in the comment section.

Ddot: Sonofabitch!!! Grant go cut his brake lines!
Grant: I'm way ahead of you D!

Producer: Umm King we're live.

Ddot: Oh! Ummm ok well congratulations Rell! We were all rooting for you buddy! Now please welcome our next two presenters BrownSoul and Ja Rule!

BrownSoul: Hi I'm Drea. What was your name again?
Ja Rule: You're kidding right? I'm Ja Rule!
BrownSoul: Who? Ddot why couldn't I get a real celebrity?!
Ja Rule: What?! I am a multi platinum recording artist!
BrownSoul: Sorry never heard of you. Are you one of the anonymous members of the G Unit or something? What's wrong? D why is he crying? Get this punk off the stage with me! And get him a throat losenge or something he sounds ridiculous and some platform shoes! What are you 5'2?! Geez! I'm never coming to one of these again! The nominees for Best Template are....

Arson

Mwabi

Circe

MizPowderPink

BrownSoul: And the winner is...
Ja Rule: Seriously, you don't know who I am?!
BrownSoul: The guy from Skating with Celebrities?
Ja Rule: That's Todd Bridges!
BrownSoul: Nice to meet you Todd.
Ja Rule: Son of a....
BrownSoul: And the winner is.....Mwabi!

Ddot: Thanks guys. Security please escort Mr. Rule to the nearest exit. Please welcome LaaLaa, TTD, and Kween!

Laa: I guess he grouped us together because we're the newbies.
TTD: Makes sense. Even though we have been holding him down for the past week or two.
Kween: Right! I've been there everyday. None of those other chicas have! Do you think the King and I should have kids right away?
TTD: Jesus Kween, chill.
Laa: You really like this guy? He's quite arrogant if you ask me.
Kween: Girl did you see what that chick said about his package?!
TTD: Oh yeah...good point.
Laa: Can't argue with that.
Kween: Ok then. The nominees for Favorite Entertainment blog are....

Crunk & Disorderly

Keep it Funky

Sarcasmo's Corner

Pink is the New Blog

Laa: And the winner is...
TTD, Kween, & Laa: KEEP IT FUNKY!!!!

Ddot: Thanks ladies and congratulations Jackie. I'm sure your acceptance speech will be classic. Now next up....excuse me.....Kween could you take your hand off of that please?....Security!!! Thank you. And keep her away from my dressing room!!!! Ladies and gentlaeman joining me now is the lovely Miss Georgia Peach!!!

GP: Hi D.
Ddot: Sup GP.
GP: One question D. Why didn't you make me your co-host?
Ddot: Because this is my blog GP.
GP: No, it's OUR blog. Don't act like you don't know.
Ddot: GP you don't write any of this stuff!
GP: So.
Ddot: So? What do you mean "So"???
GP: Look King I'm not going to argue with you over something so frivolous. It's OUR blog now let's move on.
Ddot:But..I..
GP: And the nominees for Best Writing in a Blog are....

Nikki

Leesa

Grant

Mia

Richard Johnson

Ddot: So do we share your blog too?
GP: Hell no! That's my shit! Are you crazy nigga?!
Ddot: Well I don't see how that's fair!
GP: Yeah just like it's not fair that you don't look at me in the eyes when you talk to me. My titties don't talk nigga, look at me in the eyes!!! Well anyway I've got some ideas for your post tommorrow. Email me.
Ddot: Ummmmm
GP: And the winner for Best Writing in a blog is.....Nikki!!!

Ddot: Congratulations Nikki and thank you GP....I think. Everybody please grab the bottles and blocks of cheese that we put under your seats. Now throw them as hard as you can at our next presenters....I HATE THE KING and Danielle.

IHTK: Why are we here?
Danielle: I guess so he can make us look silly. God, I hate him.
IHTK: I think most people do. Hey what's that smell?
Danielle: I don't smell anything.
IHTK: Yeah it smells like cheese.
Danielle: Well they just threw cheese at us, you idiot!
IHTK: No it's not that though. Come here let me smell you.
Danielle: Huh? Why?
IHTK: Oh my god! You do smell like cheese!!!
Danielle: Whatever! You're just mad because I used to be in The Dynasty and you're nothing!
IHTK: Well at least I didn't get booted out of The Dynasty!
Ddot: Look you two numb skulls. Nobody likes either of you. Realize that and you'll be fine. Now just stick to the script.
Danielle: Can you at least put me in The Commission?! I'll do better.
Ddot: Security get these two clowns out of here! Ladies and gentleman the nominees for Blogger you most want hump female are....

Damn Jezebel-Mia

Leesa's Stories-Leesa

Georgia peach

Spinee

Nikki

Ddot: And the winner is.......LEESA!!! Congratulations Leesa! Please welcome Rell and Grant to the stage!!

Rell: Hey grant thanks for offering to fix my brake lines. I didn't even realize there was something wrong with them.
Grant: Oh it was nothing. So who's your primary beneficiary?
Rell: Excuse me?
Grant: Oh nothing. The nominees for Best Humor in a Blog are....

Dave Barry

Peace on That

Crunk & Disorderly

My Kingdom

Rell: No seriously dog, why did you ask me that?
Grant: Just curious. You know with so many women wanting to hump you and all you need to be careful. One of them might attack you out of nowhere! If I were you I would speed out of the parking lot going as fast as I could.
Rell: Yeah you might be right.
Grant: Let me know how that works out for you.
Rell: Sure thing buddy. And the winner for Best Humor in a Blog is.......CRUNK & DISORDERLY!!!

Ddot: Wait a minute. I lost again? Did someone let Jackie get close to the ballots?! I'm sure she has something to do with this!! Anyway welcome her to the stage.

Jackie: Hi D. I thought you'd be taller.
Ddot: What?
Jackie: I just thought you'd be taller and have bigger feet. You are really quite average.
Ddot: That's not very nice.
Jackie: Pull your pants down.
Ddot: Excuse me? Why would I do that?!
Jackie: I want to see if that chick was telling us the truth. I think you might be average down there too.
Ddot: I don't care what anybody thinks when it comes to that. Hey get your hands off of me!!!
Jackie: Oh wow she wasn't lying. Well that doesn't mean you know how to use it.
Ddot: Jackie just announce the nominees.
Jackie: You don' tell me what to do!! You announce them!
Ddot: Jerk. I'm outta here! Hey Marion Barry come finish this with Jackie!
Marion: First I just want to say that I am not a crack head like Ddot portrayed me to be. I am a productive member of society who just so happens to sit on D.C.'s city council. I should be treated with respect! He gets on his little internet machine and pokes fun at people but I don't find it funny.
Jackie: Did you just say "internet machine"?
MB: That's right.
Jackie: It's called a computer you nimrod.
MB: Don't use that fancy Star Trek talk with me young lady!!
Jackie: Oh.....my.......goodness. You are retarded. The nominees for worst blogger are.....

I Hate the King

Danielle

Georgia Peach

Rell

Arson

Jackie: And the winner is......hey wait a minute. This can't be right. Ddot are you sure about this??
Ddot:Let me see...... Oh wow! Ummm yeah that's correct based on the votes.
Marion Barry: Give me that!!! ladies and gentleman the Worst Blogger Award goes to GEORGIA PEACH!!!!

Danielle: What? I couldn't even win Worst Blogger over here?! I really do hate you King!!!
Kween: Why do you smell like that?
TTD: Yeah you sorta smell like...
Cool AC: CHEESE!!!
Danielle: Ddot you are so fucking juvenile!!
KoolBreeze: Juvenile or not you smell like cheese!!!

Ddot:Congratulations GP!!! She campaigned hard for that joint!
And now for the Blogger of the Year Award. The nominees are.....

Bloggin Hotties

Weary Hag

Georgia Peach

BrownSoul

Rell

My Kingdom

Ddot: And the winner is......GeorgiaPeach!!!! Congratulations B! Now how in the world could I lose this one?! I hate all of you guys!!!

Ddot: Ok so before we go I want to hand out several special awards to a few new bloggers who next year might make a big splash on the Kingy's. The New Blogger on the Block Awards go to

Goddess

TTD

LaaLaa

and

Kween


Congratulations ladies. I want to see you guys really make a splash this year!!!

I hope you all had a great time today and I look forward to seeing you all next year. Oh and of course.....YOU'RE WELCOME!!!!!

Dear Larry and Sergey(Google founders)...

Hey guys. I heard about your tremendous growth. Congrats. So anyway let me get something straight I do not sell crack from my blog!!! I cannot emphasize that enough. I have one of those site meters that shows me whose on my page and what not and somebody from Google's headquarters in Mountain View California has been on my page all afternoon. At first I thought they might have recognized my greatness and were about to put me on the "Blogs of Note" list. However I then realized that today's post has pictures of crack and my last real post had something to do with Marion Barry and well that just doesn't look good when you're suspected of being a crack dealer. So to reiterate, I am not a crack dealer nor have I ever ...well...let's just say I am not a crack dealer!!!

Now if you guys are about to put me in your Blogs of Note section then just totally disregard this post and thank you for finally recognizing my greatness.

Yours Truly,
D.

Reader's Choice...

I am the blogging equivalent of crack. I keep you guys coming back. But how? By giving you what you want to see. Yesterday I said that post was #98 but actually it was #97. So this is #98 and since my interviews are so popular I thought I'd do one for you guys on my 99th post. So with that being said who would you like to see THE KING interview?

Filler....

Ok I'm reading everybody's blog and they are talking about what's going on in their little lives and since I need a new post but I don't feel like writitng one of my materpieces I will tell you a little about what's going on with me.

Ummmm....


Let's see.....


Nope can't say that.....


Did I tell yall my twin brother and his wife had a new baby on Christmas Eve? I'm going home to see her this weekend. They let me name her!!!

Ok that wasn't really about me....

Ok I'm a boring dude. To tell you the truth I am counting down the hours for American Idol to start. I am a total woman when it comes to my tv viewing habits. I actually watched the Golden Globes last night! Ok, ok AND two different pre-Golden Globe shows!!! Basically all I watch are reality shows, ESPN, and Jeopardy. It's sad.

Well maybe it's not sad. It's me and I like me.. I don't go to clubs and I am usually asleep before 12. That includes weekends.

Little things irritate me. Like this guy just walked in the office and said "Happy New Year!" That got under my skin. I wanted to say "Man it's almost March and you're still saying that?! Get lost!" But I let him slide. See I can be nice.

Umm.. what else....?? This post is nothing but filler. Something just to say I posted. How sad. Oh and I just realized that this is going to be post #98 for me. That means the big 100 is coming up. I'll have to come up with something special. Don't ask me what or make suggestions!!! With that being said I know somebody will still suggest something. I hate love you guys.

Ok that's it. You're welcome.

Interview with Marion Barry...

Good day My Loyal Subjects. I know I said you would only get one post today but as a King I like to keep my people happy. You guys can thank me later. Now as you know with me being the King of all Bloggers I can get interviews that Oprah could only dream of getting! This isn't one of them. Today I, your King, have taken time out of my busy schedule to go down to southeast D.C. and interview former D.C. mayor Marion Barry. Enjoy.


Ddot: Good morning Mr. Barry.
MB: Good morning D! I love reading your stuff, you crack me up.
Ddot: Thank you Marion. Now, speaking of crack...
MB: That Bitch set me up!!!!
Ddot: C'mon nobody believes that anymore Barry.
MB: Ok I made a bad decision. Are you perfect?
Ddot: Why yes, yes I am perfect.
MB: Now I see why people hate you!
Ddot: Whatever. Look don't you feel bad for letting down all the people that have supported you?
MB: Yes I do. I want to take this opportunity to apologize to all of my supporters. It'll never happen again.
Ddot: Don't lie Marion.
MB: Huh?
Dodt: I said don't lie. You're a functional crackhead. We all know one or two functional crackheads.
MB: I will be mayor again!
Ddot: Is that what you tell youself when you're hitting the pipe?
MB: Hey we're black men we should be sticking together!
Ddot: Yeah but you're a crackhead. You are the Flavor Flav of politics.
MB: Excuse me?!
Ddot: Yeah black people are embarrassed by you but we still watch just to see what you'll do next.
MB: I, I...don't know what to say...
Ddot: Try this: No more crack for me.
MB: I'm going to do better. Maybe I could hang around your blog to keep me busy. You have a lot of ladies. That GeorgiaPeach is a fire cracker! Can you hook me up?
Ddot: Two crazy people aren't good together. Besides she thinks anybody over 25 is dirt old.
MB: What about Kween? She's close by too!
Ddot: Yeah but she's from B-more and they dress funny.
MB: Oh yeah I forgot about that.
Ddot: Look Marion no woman wants you anyway! Just focus on not smoking crack!
MB: Ok so can I hold a few dollars? I want to get something to eat.
Ddot: How about I take you to McDonald's and buy you something to eat.
MB: Nah, nah I'm straight. If you give me the money I promise I'll buy food.
Ddot: No. Jesus you are like the real life Tyrone Biggums!
MB: C'mon man! I'll suck your d.....
*SLAP!!!*
Ddot: Back up off me dude! You're a disgrace!
MB: Ok look I've got some XBOX 360's that I stole. I'll sell you one for 50 bucks.
Ddot: Deal.

*COPS BUST IN*

Office: Sir you are under arrest for buying stolen goods. And you call yourself a King. What kind of example are you setting for your loyal subjects?! What do you have to say for yourself?

Ddot: THAT BITCH SET ME UP!!!!

A Day in the Life of a King...

Ok this is a quick post about my morning.

Does anybody here watch Seinfeld? Ok remember when Kramer and the car salesman tried to see how far they could go before the car ran out of gas? Well that's basically how I live my life everyday. I only get gas when it's absolutely necessary. I figure that I'm saving money and it's quite exciting to see how long I can go with the gas light on. Odd? Yes I know but I never claimed to be normal. Well anyway this morning my nonsense caught up to me. Yep that's right. On my way to work my car just stops! Stops as I'm honking my horn at some loser who was driving at 2 miles per hour no less! Luckily I was close to a gas station. I walked to the gas station and Akbar or Osama or whatever his name was sells me a gas can for $6.95! Highway robbery! Not to mention the can only holds 1 gallon of gas. So I had to walk back and forth to the station 3 times before my baby would even start! Now I'm here at work and although I look extremely sexy I smell like 97 octane! I wrote a post yesterday and I just wasn't feeling it so this is all you guys are getting today and since most of you jerks are off Monday then I guess this is it until Tuesday! Now I'll see you in the comment section where no one is allowed to laugh at me for my misadventures. You're welcome.

And the Nominees Are....

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the 1st annual Kingy Award Nomination Ceremony. During today's ceremony the nominations that were supplied by you, the reader, will be announced. You can then email the King with your picks for each category. Any votes left in the comment section of this blog will be ignored.

I have invited some of the biggest names in the blog world here today to help me announce the nominations. First up are GeorgiaPeach and Rell.

(APPLAUSE)

GP: Good morning Rell.
Rell: You're looking beautiful this morning Peach.
GP: Thanks Rell. Don't you know that Nazi Ddot tried to make me change!
Rell: Yeah he wouldn't let me wear my Cowboy shirt.
GP: Well I understand he doesn't like the Cowboys but what does he have against my breasts?!

Ddot: Excuse me you two. I know you both love me but can we get on to the nominations?

GP: Ok we're here to announce the nominations for best writing in a blog.
Rell: And then nominees are:

Indigo Trails of My Thoughts-Nikki


Leesa's Stories-Leesa


Random Acts of Discombobulation-Grant


Damn Jezebel-Mia


Three Score and Ten or More-Richard Johnson


Our next presenters are also well known around My Kingdom. Give a warm round of applause for Jacquelyn and Grant.

(APPLAUSE)

Jacquelyn: Why doesn't Rell have on a shirt?
Grant: Beats me. Hey do I have anything on my teeth?
Jacquelyn: Uh yeah.... ewww they're red!
Grant: Chicken blood does that everytime! Oh well.
Jacquelyn: Ddot!!!! You gave GP a hard time about her outfit but this guy is drinking chicken blood and is holding two grenades! Does that make sense to you?

Ddot: Does it make sense to argue with someone holding two grenades and drinks chicken blood?

Jacquelyn: Good point. Announce the nominees Grant.
Grant: The nominees for Favorite Entertainment Blog are:

Keep it Funky


Sarcasmo's Corner


Crunk & Disorderly


Pink is the New Blog


Ladies and gentleman welcome two of my favorites, Arson and Joy.

Arson: Ummmm
Joy: uhhhhh

Ddot: So is this why neither of you ever update your blogs? Oh brother. Anyway the nominees for best humor blog are :

Dave Barry


Peace on That


Crunk & Disorderly

My Kingdom

And the nominess for the Blogger you most want to hump(female) are:

Leesa

Georgia peach

Spinee

Mia

Nikki

And Blogger you most want to hump(male) are:

Rell

Grant

Arson

Ddot the King

Favorite Template Nominees are :

Arson

Circe

Mwabi

MizPowderPink

The nominees for the coveted Worst Blogger are:

Rell

Georgia Peach

Danielle

I Hate the King

Arson

Ddot the King

And the Nominees for Blogger of the Year are:

Georgia Peach

Weary Hag

Brownsoul

Rell

Bloggin Hotties

My Kingdom

So there you have the nominees. Now it's up to you to vote for who you think should win. Every vote counts and don't complain if you don't vote. Send all votes to ddot23@gmail.com. You're welcome.

Burgundy and Gold...

Ok I think I'm finally getting over the flu I had. The first couple of days I took it as a bad cold but it finally put the King down for the count. Anyway aside from a light cough I'm good now. So
thanks for all the well wishes. But you know what really made the King feel royal???...........

As Young Jeezy would say THAT'S RIIIIIIGHT!!!! My Washington Redskins won in the first round of the playoffs. No it wasn't a pretty game but we got the job done. The Seattle Seahawks are up next and although we have a lot of injuries I think we can beat them! GO SKINS!!!!

The King is Sick...

See this dude? That's how I feel right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm still the sexiest sick person on the planet Earth but I do feel horrible. I will give you guys an update on Dallas tomorrow and the Kingy Awards will be up hopefully before the end of the week. After that I will gracefully bow out and leave the blogging world for at least a month or two and possibly for good. I'm just not feeling it right now. Maybe it's the theraflu talking and maybe not but that's the decision as of now. Good day.

By the Way....

I'm feeling really bad right now. I think I have the flu. But even in my weakened state I must give a big shout out to

MY WASHINGTON REDSKINS!!!

We beat the lowly Eagles and in doing so we kicked the raggedy Cowboys out of the playoffs!!! Life is good right now. I mean except for my sore throat and aching body....

GO 'SKINS!!!

Blasphemy!!!

I got 99 problems but internet beef ain't one.....



ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!!!!


ARE...YOU...NOT...ENTERTAINED?!!!!!


IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE?!!!!!





I know what yall haters are asking yourselves. Is he ever going to fall off?!


No.


Here I am coming back from a lovely trip to sunny Dallas only to find this lonely loser trying to corrupt my page. Remember when being a hater was a bad thing? And now look at this. Some clown not only is a hater but puts it out there all over the little blogging world. Sad. Of course the coward(s) try to remain anonymous but THE KING knows who you are. You know what? I don't think you hate me at all. You had to know that by starting your little "boycott" it was going to only make people come to my site even more if for nothing else just to see how I would respond. Or did you and your little brain not think that far in advance. Pitiful. All you had to do was link me!

Work on your blog. Paint your own pictures don't trace me. If the only way for you to have a succesful blog is to put up ridiculous statements about me then I think you should find a new hobby.

Speaking of hobbies that's exactly what blogging is to me and most normal people. You my friend need to get a life and realize that none of this is real. Am I an arrogant prick? Yeah. Is 99% of the stuff on my blog original? Yeah. Do I care if people know about the 1%? No. Why? Because it's the goddamn internet you bumbling fool!!! The people who come to my blog on a regular basis enjoy it because it's entertaining to them. Just like you enjoy coming to my blog to re-up on your haterade. See, it works for everybody. Nah you don't want me to leave. You need me and I'm not afraid to say I need you too. I mean what good is being an internet celebrity without groupies. You do realize that's what you are....right?


There are bloggers all over the world on my site as I type this just waiting to see my response to your bullshit. That tells you how big I am. People raced to work and went to my site first thing to see if I had responded. How does that make you feel? Shitty right? Yeah I know. But don't feel real bad, you made me laugh and that's not an easy thing to do. Now don't you feel better? No? Oh well...

For anybody that doubted me for a second I would rather you NOT come back here. I'm not some lame ass dude who wastes your time with fabrications about my sexual conquests nor do I paint myself as a goody goody and get mad when people don't agree with me. If you felt something in the pit of your stomach when you read those last two sentences then seek professional help.



Ddot the King chump blast for me
I'm over at MY KINGDOM
Ask for me
I ain't never scared
I'm everywhere
You ain't never there
Loser why would I ever care
Pound for pound I'm the best to ever come around here
Excluding nobody
Look what I embody
Times that by my influence
On the blog culture
I supposed to be number one on everybodys list
We'll see what happens when I no longer exist


Fuck this....

Git Up Git Out....

Yes I meant to spell "git" like that!!! Ok I'm rolling to Dallas at about 7 a.m. Friday morning. So that means you guys will have to live without me until Tuesday probably. I know you're sad but you must move on and do something with your life. I'm leaving you guys one of my all time favorite songs to listen to in my absence. Feel free to congregate here while I'm gone and talk about how great I am.....

Back to the Future...

In my unwavering effort to be the most intriguing blog on the planet Earth I have decided to let My Loyal Subjects experience A King that is different from the one you've grown to love. With 2005 almost over I decided to go back 10 years and let the 19 year old King write an entry into this blog. So let's go back with the young King to a time when Ipods and Xbox didn't exist and see what's on his mind...

Ummm....sup. I have no idea what I'm doing right now. This dude that looks like my dad gave me some little debbie snack cakes to sit here right some stuff down. For who? I don't know. This must be the internet thing my girl keeps telling me about. Well anyway for whoever can see this, if anybody, I'll break down what's going on in my life in different categories. I'll start with my baby.

LOVE LIFE
My girl's name is Celena and I am really in love with her. I met her last year when I was in High School. We screw almost everyday and everywhere. We've done it in all 3 of my parents cars, my car, and her parents 2 cars, not to mention in both of our parents' houses. My homeboy is her cousin and that's how we met. Well I had tried to holler at her before but I guess I was too nice. When my homeboy introduced us we immediately got into an argument. She tells me now that's why she started liking me. That's weird, I wonder if all girls would rather a guy be mean or disrespectful to them sometime instead of always being nice. Anyway we'll probably get married as soon as she graduates High School. By that time I should be straight finacially. I can't see anything coming in between us EVER! I love you girl!

WORK
I've been working at Cone Mills in Greensboro for a few months now. I'm making more money than I could have ever imagined. They started me out with almost $8.00 a hour! That's double what I was making at Burger King. If I stay here a few more years I could get up to $10.00 a hour or more and probably buy me a house. Of course in 10 years I should be the General Manager and sitting in an office behind a computer all day. I wonder do the people that work in the office ever goof off and just play on the computer. Oh well, anyway that's the plan.

FRIENDS
I have the craziest homeboys ever. First is my best friend and twin brother E. He is the wildest person I know. Him and his boy George are usually just walking around robbing people and drinking. And he screws more chicks than I have ever seen! If he's not careful he's going to end up with a bunch of kids! It's funny because everybody thinks I'm the ladies man but Celena is the only chick that I've ever had sex with. Boy, I hope nobody can actually see this, it would really ruin my rep! Anyway then there is Telly who thinks he's a con man. He thinks he can get over on anybody. He's a smart dude but he always takes the easy way out. Then there is my man Juvenile. Juvenile is Celena's cousin and him and I are together probably more than anybody else. We are going to be rappers. He's Juvenile and I'm D-Linkwent. That's dope right? I am a little worried about his rap name though. I'm not sure if Juvenile is a good name for a rapper. But we'll see. I just bought a white BMW and we just cruise the city and soak up all the stares we get from the girls. I have my clear pager on my visor and he has his green one on the other visor. We are constantly checking them. It's funny because well only get paged by two people. Our moms and our girls. But so what we are still cool. I might save up for a few months and get one of those car phones. That would be dope to have a phone in the car!

ENTERTAINMENT & EVENTS
I just bought a new tape deck. It was the newest one and cost me almost 300 dollars but I gotta have the best! I bought two tapes the same day. One was Channel Live and I bought that because of the song Mad Izm which they play every two minutes on the radio. The other was Tupac's Me Against the World which has caused me to never actually open Channel Live's album. I just bought it because the dude is locked up and this will probably be his last album but this dude can really rap and the way he expresses himself is how I am going to do when I get a record deal. Between Tupac and the dude Biggie that came out a few months ago rap music is blowing up! Oh well other than that the OJ Simpson trial is going on and I'm sure that they are setting him up. Before this trial is over I bet the real killer will have been found. Nothing is really good at the movies except that movie Powder. I love thinking about the possibilities of what humans could do if we could use more than a very small percentage of our brains. I heard Michael Jordan might be coming back to the NBA. Michael if you can read this please come back! If you come back I promise to name my first child after you! Seriously.

SUMMATION
This has been a good year. I am out of High School and oddly enough I kind of miss it but I'm sure that feeling will fade. My sister moved to Washington D.C. and she keeps trying to convince me to move up there with her and go to school but that'll never happen. I can't leave my girl to move to D.C. And what is in D.C. anyway besides a bunch of crime?! Nah I think I'll stay here and raise a family just like my folks. I'm going to enroll in school at North Carolina A&T and get a degree in something. So anyway I'm just trying to remain humble because arrogant and conceited people suck!!!

That was fun. I remember when I used to be nice. Oh well it just a few short months this dude would be gone forever. Maybe I'll let 97 or 98 Ddot write a post one day. That would be quite interesting. Vulgar and mysogynistic but interestin nonetheless. Ok I hope you enjoyed this and if not who cares.

P.S.A.

This is a public service announcement. Sponsored by The King himself.

My Loyal Subjects please be advised that I know some of you are frequenting blogs that do nothing more than kill brain cells. Here in My Kingdom I strive to entertain and inform. So when I see some of you supporting blogs that do nothing more than disrespect women it infuriates me.

Any man who creates a blog to just post pictures of random women that he supposedly "macked" and then proceed to call them every derogatory term that he can think of is sickening. It was very disheartening to see some of MLS there commenting and seemingly enjoying this trash.

It bothered me so much in fact that I thought of just retiring. Maybe this crap I come up with isn't all that great if morons like this are attracting the same people that I attract. Alas I convinced myself that the world needs me if for no other reason to be a place of refuge for those who will not stand for such nonsense.

Yes I am an oasis in the desert of blog land. Come drink of my wisdom, wit, and nonsense and be refreshed. Or go slumming and drink the cloudy, germ infested waters of some idiot who is trying to sell you a dream. You get the real deal here ladies a gentleman. Appreciate that fact or I will be no more.....

YOUR KING,
DDOT

The Royal Crown Web Awards...

Good day My Loyal Subjects. I, the Good King Ddot, have decided to give out awards to best and brightest of the blogging world. As much as I would like to just pick out those that I like and tell you who won I am allowing you, the reader, to nominate blogs as well as vote for the winners of THE KINGY'S. I am sure you all are very excited right now and really want to win but remember it's honor to even be nomintated! So everybody send me your nominations for each of the categories and the only rule is you can't nominate youself. On to the categories....

Blogger of the Year- to nominate someone email me at ddot23@gmail.com


Blog of the year


Favorite Writing in a Blog


Favorite Entertainment Blog


Favorite Political Blog


Favorite Humor Blog


Blogger You Most Want to Hump(Female)


Blogger You Most Want to Hump(Male)


Favorite Template


Worst Blogger



I know what you're thinking. How can a blogger give out blog awards? If I win something won't everybody think that it's been rigged? Yep. And guess what? I couldn't care less. This is My Kingdom not yours! If you don't like it then stop reading. Stop! I'm not going to write anything else until you stop reading..........Ok so now that the haters are gone it's just you weirdos who actually like the stuff I do over here. Ok so if you've gotten this far email me the nominations and me and my staff will go through them and I'll present the nominations on Tuesday and be sure to be specific as to which category your nominating the individual for and then we'll conduct the vote. How's that? Good. Thank you in advance.

The King's Mailbag...

Since I'm getting flooded with the nominations for the Kingy Awards I thought it might be good to clean out my inbox and finally answer the couple million emails that I have been sent over the past few months. I will answer as many as possible and be as honest as possible. Yeah right! I'm The King and I do whatever I please! On to the emails from actual readers....

King, do you wear boxers or briefs?
I wear boxers. Now can you tell me why you need to know that? Is it just to have all the details right when you fantasize about me? Probably.

Hey what does the "D" in Ddot stand for?
It stands for "Don't" as in Don't ask me what it stands for because I ain't telling! Any guesses?

Why do you have to be so arrogant?
I get this question at least 3 times a day. I'm only arrogant when I need to be. I'm really a nice guy. Now get lost peasant!

Now that they have added Zach Morris to the cast of Commander in Chief will you watch? Now this came from a true Loyal Subject that knows that I'm obsessed with Saved By the Bell. Actually I think adding him to the cast only makes the whole show even less credible. I'd be watching the show just waiting for him to trick the president and steal Air Force One to go pick up Kelly Kapowski and then of course the hijinx would ensue.

Dude, why do you think you're better than everybody else?!
Ummm..because I am.

Is that really your picture on your profile?
As hard as it is to believe that a human being could be that beautiful, yes it is me.

Hey you should hold some sort of contest and the winner would get a date with you! Hmmm....OR you could get up from your computer and leave your 35 cats and go out and try to meet someone in the REAL world! Now wouldn't that be wild and crazy?!!

I hate you!
No you don't.

Ok now that everything has died down we should squash the beef but you have to promise not visit GeorgiaPeach's blog and not allow her to comment on your site.
I have a better idea. Why don't you go jump in a lake! That's one of the most elementary comebacks I've ever used but it's cracking me up right now.....go jump in a lake...hilarious.

I read your blog everyday but I don't feel comfortable commenting. I'm white and you seem to have something against white people. I'm not a racist or anything, in fact I like you a lot. You're not like a lot of black people I know. I just wish you could stop talking bad about white people.
Aww how sweet. Wait.......wait.......Ok I just threw up in my mouth. The only thing you forgot to say was that I'm a credit to my race. Idiot. Actually I am like a lot of the black people you know. What you need to do is pretend for a second that you're not afraid and go up and talk to a black person and you will experience the same charm and wit that you get from me. Ok maybe not the same because I'm on another level but I'm quite sure you'll be pleasantly surprised.

I think you should interview George Bush.
I think you should run your blog and I'll run mine.

George Bush Rules!
The underworld. Yes he is Satan.

I used to love you Ddot but as a dark skinned black woman you have offended me.
You used to love me? Wow. Did I at least get to hit that? Anyway I don't have anything against dark skinned women. Some of my best friends are dark skinned women! LMAO!

If you could ask Clifton Taulbert any question, what would it be?
Do you think it's possible to build a powerful, effective, and caring community in the blogging world?

Who do you think was the better rapper Biggie or Tupac?
First of all you guys would be amazed to know who asked this question but I won't tell. Anyway I think it's so hard to answer this question because you're dealing with 2 different styles. I'll say Biggie was the better rapper and Tupac was the better song writer. I really got serious on this question didn't I?! HA!

You know a lot of people are going to be pissed when you win Blog and Blogger of the Year on your own site.
Who gives a rat's ass.

Ok I have work to do now. Everybody enjoy their days off and be sure to get your nominations in before Tuesday or there will be hell to pay! Ok now go do something productive.

IT IS GOOD TO BE THE KING!!!

Monday Crap

I was still on my high from the Redskins dismantling the cowgirls and who do I see on the tube? Your President George W. Bush. C'mon why today?! I am having a good day. Now I could've just turned the channel but then who would tell you guys what he said since I'm sure all of you were flipping between Mtv and BET! How many times can you watch the same 4 videos anyway?!

Anyway I was going to do a running diary and let you know what I was thinking at the ver ymoment he said certain things. And I also thought about doing a King's Rebuttal but he didn't say much to rebut(is that a word). Shouldn't rebut mean to have sex with someone twice in one night. Ok I'm being random. Anyway this is my response to what he had to say: Huh? You suck dude. Since I know you call yourself a Chrisitan let me say that Satan is the father of the lie and you are his oldest son! Jerk. Get a life.

Oh and your boy has been tapping phone lines too! What kind of altenate universe are we living in?! I received a letter in the mail stating that because of this blog and my obvious ties to Saddam that my phone had been tapped for awhile. I was livid! They sent me the transcript of what they had listened to and I'd like to share it with you.

Ddot: Hello?
Arson: Sup.
Ddot: nuttin'
Arson: right right
Ddot: What do you think Arsenio Hall is doing right now?
Arson: Huh? Oh I don't know. I got gas.
Ddot: Huh? You think he's got gas? Well I guess that's possible.
Arson: Yeah so what's up?
Ddot: nuttin'
Arson: right right
Ddot: Alright I'm going to take a dump.
Arson: one.

That my friends is where your tax dollars are going. Meaningless conversations between me and my knucklehead friends.

Anyway I didn't tell you guys that last weekend I got stopped by the cops. I think Arson made mention of it on his blog because I was on the phone with him when I got stopped. Anyway since I'm in a transcript mode here's the exchange between me and the officer.

Officer: License and registration please.
Ddot: Ok it's in my glove box. I'm going to reach over there and get it. Don't shoot me.
Officer: (holding back laughter) Ok sir.
Ddot: Here ya go
Officer: Thank you. Do you know why I pulled you over?
Ddot: Boredom?
Officer: This is not a joking matter sir. Is anyone in the back seat? I ask because your tint is too dark on your window. That's why I pulled you over.
Ddot: Are you serious?
Officer: Excuse me?
Ddot: I asked were you being serious.
Officer: Very serious. Please step out of the car sir.
Ddot: But it's cold out there.
Officer: I'm going to run your license and if you have any warrants I'm having this car towed and you're going downtown.
Ddot: Downtown? I didn't know you guys actually used the term "downtown". Anyway I have warrants in NC but they are going to tell you not to waste your time.
Officer: Excuse me.
Ddot: I have warrants down there but whenever I get pulled over they refuse to come get me so don't waste your time.
Officer: I think that's the first time anybody told me they have warrants. I'll be right back.
Arson: Why do you mess with police like that. They are going to get you one day.
Ddot: Nah. I'm The King
Arson: D you're back in the REAL world. This is not the internet!
Ddot: Oh snap! I was talking internet talk wasn't I?!
Arson: Yep
Ddot: Why didn't you stop me?
Arson: I was laughing too hard.
Ddot: Jerk.
Arson: Hey let's take a trip to Atlanta
Ddot: I'm about to go to jail! I'm not planning any trips with you right now.
Officer: You are free to go.
Ddot: Why?
Officer: Because I work for Prince George county and apparently you are some sort of King. You out rank me.
Ddot: HA!

Ok so that last part didn't happen exactly like that but he did let me go. Anyway now you're all caught up with what's going on with The King. I feel good this week so yall might get a post everyday. You're welcome.

Victory!!!

We stomped those raggedy cowboys yesterday 35-7....wait....we just scored again!! GO REDSKINS!!!

Random Thought Friday...

With their blogs all written with care
And hopes that Ddot would soon be there
My Loyal Subjects were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of Random Thought Friday danced in their heads...

Hate it or love it the King is on top! Yeah I know that this is King Kong weekend but guess what? King Kong and got nothing on me! I'm pompous, I'm arrogant and you love it! So here is what you look forward to like a 3 day weekend. Random Thought Friday! For all you newbies this is the one time of the week that you are privy to the random nonsense that bounces around in my cranium. Some of it makes sense and some of it...well is just random. So forget about the million dollar smile, the charm and wit and sit back and relax for what has become an Internet Phenomenon....THE KING'S RANDOM THOUGHTS!!! Enjoy.

*Warning* Do not read if you are taking medication or are prone to loud bursts of laughter that might get you fired.

Al Sharpton is getting his own sitcom. Yeah you read that right. Al freaking Sharpton. I don't want to be a human being anymore.

I think my blog gives people the same feeling you get when you put on pants and find twenty bucks in the pocket.

Don't all 50 Cent and the G-Unit's songs sound alike? I swear Magic Stick and Candy Shop are the exact same song. Fall back 50. Take a vacation or something.

The Cowboys & Redskins play this weekend. If the 'Skins don't win then I wouldn't expect to see a blog from me until at least thursday of next week.

How come 99% of my readers are women? Am I the LL Cool J of blogging? Is that why ole boy keeps trying to steal my readers?! What up GP!!!

Speaking of GP am I the only one that thinks of her when Ludacris' new song "Georgia" comes on?

I liked Kanye's album but I hope he doesn't win one Grammy.

Wasn't Fun with Memory...umm...fun?!

That reminds me. You people are some nut jobs!

This is an actual quote from Cincinnati Bengal wide receiver Chad Johnson : I'm traveling to all 51 states to see who can stop #85." Hopefully whoever stops him will be a geography or history teacher.

They took down the cubicles in my office when they put the new carpet in and it really sucks. My co-worker Nico gets bored and walks over to shake my hand about twice every thirty minutes and tries to see what I'm doing on my computer. Don't you just hate that. This is the first time I've used my camera on my phone in the 1.5 years I've had it. My desk is a mess. But yes this is where the magic of My Kingdom is made. Feels like you just pulled back the curtain on the great and powerful OZ doesn't it?! HA!

Deer Park bottled water has Deer pee in it.

Will you guys miss me when I get my business started and I'm never online anymore. Keep my name alive you jabronies!!!

Boy these Random Thoughts sure are going to be posted late!

Who cares? I write them for me...remember!

I am so bored.

I think I'll go to lunch. I might take an extra hour. Anyway you guys have fun commenting on this until I get back. Oh and remember to leave your random thought(s) too!

Fun with Memory...

What Up Grant!

RULES

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment here on my blog with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. When you're finished leaving your comment, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you. I think this will be fun for all; like a bowl of Skittles and M&M's mixed; a color and a flavor for everyone!

King of Bloggers...

I'm the King of blogs, there is none higher/
Sucker bloggers should call me Sire/
To burn my kingdom, you must use fire/
I won't stop blogging till I retire!----Run Dmc(Ddot Remix)

Yeah it's me, your favorite blogger's favorite blogger. I must say I am relishing my new title as King of all Bloggers. What up Summer! I know you've all been wondering how long I was going to let my Dynasty Member compettion go on. Well it has come to an end. So who won? Well first of all let's remember that we're all winners. YEAH RIGHT! That's just some crap that a loser made up to make himself feel better.

Before I announce the winner let me explain to you why I had the competition in the first place because I've gotten far too many emails about this subject. Ok I know that everybody and their mama has a links to other bloggers on their page but The King is a little more selective. I don't co-sign folks just because they visit my blog everyday and name their first born after me! The folks in The Dynasty have my stamp of approval. It is an internet honor to be in such a select group. The members of The Commission are in an approved status as well. They are sort of like the Scottie Pippen to The Dynasty's Michael Jordan. Feel me?

I also was extremely surprised at how many votes were actually cast! What is wrong with you people? Get a hobby or something. Geez. Anyway through this process I've ran across a few blogs that I'm really digging so not only will some lucky blogger make The Dynasty but there will be additions to The Commission as well. Congratulations.

Ok so the poll was basically a two horse race. We had the lovely MIZPOWDERPINK and the very entertaining RELL. With that said HAPEE2BNAPEE made a serious run near the end but then she went and changed her screen name and you know it doesn't take much to confuse my readers. I was secretly rooting for GRANT but I don't think most of yall understand that the fact that he's certifiable is what makes him entertaining. My homie LEESA put me up on Goddess, no not that GODDESS but the new one. Don't you just love how original people are?! I kid, I kid! Anyway so she's almost as random as The King and although she's just getting started I think she might be good at this foolishness called blogging. Oh and my girl NIKKI is on fire! I love her stuff. There are more but I don't have time to name everybody. I do have a Kingdom to run ya know.

So anyway yall get the point. The people I like...I LIKE. So if I like them then you automatically have to like them, that's just how it works. On to the winner.....

The poll, the current Dynasty Members opinions, as well as my vote were all factors in this decision.

MizPowderPink- You did well in the polls and The King applauds you.

Rell- You also did well in the polls and I really enjoy your blog.

So the person I chose has showns signs of support and seems to really enjoy my blog. They also have a blog I really enjoy. Ladies and gentleman the newest member of The DYNASTY is.....






HAPEE2BNAPEE aka MWABI!!!!

Congratulations Hapee. I hope you understand the importance of being in this elite group of people because I will not hesitate to boot you, just ask your predecessor!!! At any rate for anybody who wants to one day be part of The Dynasty keep working and you can make it. Here is the list of new members of THE COMMISSION.

Nikki
Goddess
KoolBreeze
BlackCaesar
Cool AC

Congratulations to all of you as well. Now run, yes run as fast as your little legs will take you and tell all of your friends and family! Yes shout it from the mountain tops!!! You are now DOWN WITH THE KING!!!

Dropping Jewelry...

Freedom. Immigrants from all over the world have been coming to America for decades in search of freedom. African Americans fought for equal amounts of freedom even after they got here on the slave ships. And now in 2005 for all intents and purposes we have what so many fought for and died for. Freedom.

My 15 year old nephew whom I have talked about before on this blog has been incarcerated. He was given 6-10 months in a juvenile detention center. No more freedom.

He was born in the nineties where a phrase that had always been around got even more popular. "I can do whatever I want to do." When I or anybody else would try to talk to my nephew this was a phrase he used quite a bit. He could do whatever he felt like doing. Hmmmm...freedom.

In the time of slavery they used chains to hold us down. In the early 20th century it was segregation. But just like everything else that evolves and gets more complex over time the way in which minorities are being held down is...you guessed it...freedom.

I know that this sounds odd and maybe I'm reaching a little but freedom is really nothing more than an idea. And what we consider freedom isn't always a good thing. Any good psychiatrist will tell you that children and adults alike crave structure and guidance. Slavery no. Structure yes.

It is this King's opinion that just because we can do something doesn't mean we should do it. We must add that little nugget into the "you can do whatever you want to do when you grow up speech". No we must not let our freedom become our bondage.

As I think about my nephew a 6'4, chiseled, and handsome young man sitting in a cell when he should be preparing to get his driver's license and getting excited about the upcoming Christmas break from school it hurts me. He is a PRINCE and he doesn't even realize it. Instead he sits there daydreaming about having freedom once again and thinking to himself that as soon as he gets out, he, again will be able to do whatever he wants to do. Ahh freedom. He could fall into a trap like so many youth who are caught in a constant cycle of having freedoms that they don't need nor have the skills to deal with and who end up getting into trouble and end up locked up and repeating the process over and over.

Yes freedom is an idea. Bondage too is really only an idea. If you take away bondage then what does freedom really mean? Free your minds.

Why Women Run The Other Way...

Fair and balanced that's me. Last week I attempted to show how some women push men away with their attitudes. Well the comments came and surprisingly enough most women agreed that they were a mixture of a couple of the types of women or knew people who were. Not only was I surprised but I was also a little peeved. You guys know how much I love to piss people off just for the fun of it! Ah oh well the ladies love me like James Todd Smith I guess. At any rate I decided to give a list of males or traits that some males may show that pushes women away. So if you're a single guy or just want to know why your woman treats you a certain way then sit up and pay attention. The King is going to give you all the answers. Well maybe not all the answers because the ladies are going to co-sign this post big time and I'm sure they'll have some advice for you losers...er...guys as well. I will now break it down so that it will forever be broken.(10 points if you can tell me what movie that line came from.) Let's go.

1. The Needy Guy
Ok so this guy is overly emotional and shares all his feelings right away. The ladies want to hear "I Love You" but not on the first date! You see this guy doubts himself and needs constant reassurance about his relationship, work, and friendships. Fellas this is extremely unappealing to the ladies. Why? Because confidence and independence are sexy traits in a man. If you're insecure and dependent on her then who is she going to lean on? Probably some confident and sexy dude she met on the internet. Call me ladies! NEXT!

2. The Predictable Guy
Ok this is where a lot of men get lost. Have you ever wondered why women love the so called "bad boys"? Not because they are bad, I mean who wants to bail someone out every weekend? It's because they are somewhat unpredictable. It adds spice to any relationship. Women don't like predictable men because they know exactly how he'll react to any given situation. So be a little more spontaneous and keep her on her toes.

3. The Arrogant Guy
Why do I feel like I'm naked in a room full of people right now. Ok yes I'm arrogant. So what! This isn't about me. Ok so the arogant guy thinks he's some kind of king and certain people are beneath him. He can be rude to those people and rudeness is not sexy. Even if you aren't rude to her she's paying attention to how you treat others. So start treating others with respect because she's always watching.

4. The Neanderthal Guy
This guy flirts with anything that moves and that's whether he's with his woman or not. Personally these types of guys makes the King's stomach hurt. He flirts with the waitress and chats all night about his many conquests. Fellas instead of chit chatting about how well you're endowed and the like you could've saved her a lot of time by just wearing a t-shirt that says "I DISRESPECT WOMEN!" Because that's exactly what she's thinking. Here's a suggestion. Read a book. Glance at a newspaper for goodness sakes. Have more to talk about than your "johnson" and all of the places you've stuck it. Like Shania Twain said it don't impress her much. Wait. I don't listen to Shania, I swear!

5. The Cheap Guy
Well this one is kind of easy. Stop being so d*mn cheap! You don't have to go broke to do special things for your woman. And start managing your money better so you're not always broke. If you have every Madden football game from the past 5 years but your woman hasn't gotten flowers sent to her because "she knows I love her and besides sending flowers costs too much." then you'll probably end up humping your Playstation.

6. The Arguer
We all know this guy. He turns everything into a debate. Dude just take your woman out and chill. No one wants to argue and especially not over trivial crap. Move on because half of the stuff you argue about she couldn't care less about. After awhile she doesn't even want to be around you. Instead you'll see her out with some dude who in your opinion is ignoring her. Well she'd rather be ignored that argue with you over that nonsense. CHILL!!!

7. The Self Righteous Guy
This guy is very judgemental of others. He'll gladly tell anyone who'll listen how they should live their life including his woman. Listen up dude, nobody asked you! Nobody likes to be judged and it's just annoying. Do what works for you and let others do what works for them. If someone wants your advice they'll ask you. So instead of spewing your wisdom all over the place, focus on your woman's lovely lady lumps!!!

8. The Misogynist
Of all the types of guys on this list this guy gets the pink slip the most often. He has bitterness towards women and in this day and age most women ain't going for that. Ladies if he can't help but to exude negative feelings towards you and the entire gender please just move on. He's not going to change and you can't change him.

So what have we learned My Loyal Subjects? Yes I have too much time on my hands but I meant other than that. Jerks. Fellas you're not going to be perfect and if you try to be then you'll still end up with the short end of the stick because women aren't perfect. Just be yourself and respect the people that you want to be around and especially women. Love and respect are the two ingredients for any healthy relationship. So now meditate on what you've read and start applying what you've learned immediately. If it works I want to be compensated handsomely and if it doesn't work....well....I mean I'm just some guy who's bored at work and writes a blog. You should've known not to listen to me in the first place!!!

The Saddam Interview....

Good morning My Loyal Subjects. Today is a very serious day so wipe those poop eating grins off of your face! I, The Good King Ddot, have scored one of the most sought after interviews on the planet. That's right friends(we're not really friends remember?) the former ruler of Iraq has agreed to sit down and talk to The King and to let the world hear his side of the story.

As I walked into his cell he seemed to be taken aback as he had heard he would be interviewed by a King. I quickly eased his fears as I showed him my "I HATE BUSH" t-shirt. But for some reason I still don't think he took me as seriously as I had hoped as you will see from the transcripts from the interview. Before you read this I want you all to remain open minded and objective because nobody is ALL bad. If Saddam and Bush were opposing captains of a dodgeball team whose team would you want to be on?! Case closed. Ok on to the interview, this should be fun.

KING: Hello Mr. Hussein.

Saddam: I am the President of Iraq! Refer to me as such! What is your name?

King: You can call me King.

Saddam: You aren't the King of anything so I will not call you King.

King: Well you aren't exactly the President of anything either! So you can call me Ddot and I will call you Sdot. How's that?

Saddam: I can deal with King.

King: Thought so. Let's get started shall we?

Saddam: Ok.

King: Why did you kill and torture all those people?

Saddam: Huh? What kind of question is that?!

King: I ain't Dan Rather homey.

Saddam: I am the President of a country do I have time to oversee torture and killings?!

King: Lower your voice dude. If I go upside your head do you think those US troops standing outside are going to come in here and get me off of you?

Saddam: Are you one of those rappers or something?

King: You watch too much T.V. Sadaam. Rappers aren't tough guys in real life! We are getting off the subject. Ok maybe you didn't have time to kill ALL those people but your sons and Generals carried them out in your name.

Saddam: Can I control everything that someone who is associated with me does?

King: Ah man Sadaam I feel you. Last week I got into this internet beef because...

Saddam: Am I being Punk'd? Or Is this some new bizarre form of punishment? Who sent you? George Bush or Ashton Kutcher?

King: You're right. Ok so where did you hide the weapons of mass destruction?

Saddam: I never had any.

King: Then why did everybody think that you did?

Saddam: Because I wanted them to think I had them. I have a rep for being a mad man. What kind of mad man in the 21st century doesn't have weapons of mass destruction?! It was so embarrassing. Kim Jung-il would call and taunt me because he's starving his people and nobody says a word. Why? Because he has enough weapons to blow up over half of the U.S.

King: So you're telling me that you made it seem like you had the weapons to keep your rep?

Saddam: It is embarrassing but yes.

King: So Bush isn't totally at fault since you tricked him into believing you had WMDs!

Saddam: Oh no he knew I didn't have them. He and I used to be tight. In the 80's we'd snort coke and get drunk until we passed out. We were so tight that everytime I had someone executed he'd try to get someone in Texas executed. Yep. Those were the good ol days. He'd always talk about how he wished someone would kill his dad and that way he'd have the countries sympathy and then he could win the Presidency. He would then go into a partnership with me and we'd control 80% of the world's oil.

King: Wait. Is that why you tried to assasinate his dad?

Saddam: Yes and then he turned on me and now he has control over all that oil and I'm on trial for my life.

King: Son of a....

Saddam: Exactly. Never trust white people King.

King: Ummm...I can't co-sign that Sadaam. I love white women.

Saddam: Oh I didn't say don't have sex with them! I said don't trust them.

King: I've been watching you in court. You seem to be very upset about what's going on.

Saddam: They are my children.

King: *laughing uncontrollably* What do you mean they are your children?

Saddam: I am the father of this country. The people of Iraq are my children. That includes this Judge who is under U.S. control. This trial is a mockery. It's not real. You hold George Washington in high regard. He is the father of your country. Well what if another country had invaded the U.S. while he was President and put him on trial because the slave trade was going on?

King: Yeah but....I'll have to think about that one. So what about the torture? Are they torturing you and the other prisoners?

Saddam: Oh my goodness yes! Please tell the world that they are forcing us to watch Usher's new movie In the Mix over and over again.

King: Those sick bastards! First Abu Ghraib and now this. Someone needs to investigate.

Saddam: Exactly. No amount of atrocities against mankind deserves that type of punishment.

King: Well look on the bright side. At least they haven't forced you to listen to Lil Kim's latest cd.

Saddam: Shhhh! Please do not give them any ideas!

King: Ok before I go if you could have invaded the US and captured George Bush what would you have done to him?

Saddam: I would have been a lot more humane! First I would have slowly beheaded him and then I would have shot his head out of a canon at his headless body. I would have then ordered his head to be placed on a wall so that all who came by could throw rocks at it.

King: Wow. Ummm well I guess even that would be better than the Usher movie. Ok I'm out Sadaam but I'll be back in a few days if you'd like to talk to me again.

Saddam: Yes please return. Oh and King can you put a little money on my books and bring me some t-shirts when you come back?

King: First things first. Get your hand off of my knee. Second I am not your girlfriend. Get one of your 25 wives to bring you some shirts!

Sadaam: Please please King. I need them so bad!

King: Man get off of me! Guard! Saddam says he wants to watch a movie!

Saddam: NOOOOOO!!!!!!

Ok folks so there you have part 1 of what has to be the most riveting interview ever recorded. Stay tuned for part 2 in the next few weeks.

What a Girl Wants....

Good men still exist ladies. So stop your whining. Instead look at yourself and figure out why you aren't attracting these types of men.

I listen to women all day long of all ages and races, shapes, and sizes talk about how there are no good men or all the good men are gay. Hogwash. Let's examine a few types of women and some of the reasons why we THE GOOD MEN stay away from them.

1. Miss Feminist
This woman postulates that all the ills of society are orchestrated by men and the best thing a man can do to improve himself is cut off his testicles and grow a pair of ovaries. She believes that women are angelic creatures who would make the world a utopia if only the male "patriarchy" would allow them to. Any woman who promotes these absurdities lives in a fantasy world and will have no problem at all treating a man in a way that she would never herself abide by. You can easily identify her by her incessant mantra, "All men think with their penises." Avoid her at all costs.

2. Miss Take
She's out for your money -- pure and simple. Miss Take is the ultimate in high maintenance. She expects a man to finance her entire life just because she is biologically female. To her, a man should pay for drinks, dinners, trips, flowers, and jewelry, while she feels absolutely no guilt or compulsion to reciprocate. She is nothing but a whitewashed prostitute. Miss Take thinks her vagina is plated with gold and is worth a million dollars. She is greed personified. Since she has no concept of someone else's feelings, her only interest is in getting what she wants. And don't be fooled -- some apparently very "nice" girls are the greediest of them all.

3. Miss Romance
This type of woman lives in a fantasy world of Lifetime Channel movies and romance novels. Every night she goes home alone to spend hours flipping through her bride magazines, imagining that, at any moment, Prince Charming will ride up on his white horse, sweep her off her feet, and offer her a problem-free existence for the rest of her life. The Miss Romances of the world have been coddled by parents and family, told they are "princesses," and have absolutely no idea that real life consists of paying bills and cleaning toilets. Miss Romance will expect to be taken care of, will be a dud in bed, and will, almost overnight, turn into a shrieking nag. Run.

4. Miss Elusive
This woman is closely allied to Miss Romance, but with a dark side. She is usually one of the "walking wounded" -- someone who has been hurt in past relationships and so subconsciously avoids or sabotages new relationships in the present. Your association with her will be one of utter frustration, as first she shows great interest in you, but very quickly runs away -- then repeats this cycle over and over again. Miss Elusive is the queen of mixed messages. She will flirt with you and date you, but you'll never get past "friend" status. What you will get is a million excuses for her unavailability, all calculated to deceive herself that she just doesn't have time for a relationship. Save yourself some heartache -- don't get involved with her.

5. Miss Angry
Like Miss Feminists, Miss Angrys really don't like men. They scorn the male gender and can rattle off all the wrongs and misdeeds of every man they've ever encountered. To Miss Angry, there's no such thing as a nice guy -- they're all "jerks," "creeps" and "pigs." Many of them have lots of simmering anger at men, which can explode at any moment like an erupting volcano. Unless you're into lots of drama and screaming, stay away.

6. Miss Insecure
This woman seems great at the start because she's very nice, accommodating and treats men well. But her inner insecurities don't take long to surface. Pretty soon she's calling you 10 times a day, asking to see "where the relationship is going," or because she "just wants to hear your voice." She needs constant reassurance that she's attractive, and worries incessantly about her makeup, hair and the alignment of her clothes. She's clingy, needy and compulsively agonizes that you're going to leave her at any moment for "someone better." This kind of thing can get really creepy really fast.

7. Miss Bitch
Miss Bitches are the sulkers, pouters and ball-busters of the female world. They are very unpleasant people who treat their fellow humans poorly, care only about themselves, and aren't concerned at all if they hurt you or anybody else. Most Miss Bitches qualify as Miss Takes, too. Miss Bitches are usually good-looking and well dressed, and you can easily identify them by the scowls on their faces as they imperiously strut through the world.

8. Miss Me
A close relative of Miss Bitch, Miss Me is entirely focused on herself. Miss Me needs to be the constant center of attention no matter what she does or where she goes. She is a selfish, self-indulgent, self-serving narcissist who was raised as "daddy's little girl," and expects the same from you. Unless you enjoy the company of spoiled brats, stay far, far away.

9. Miss Desperate
Whether it's her baby clock ticking or she's the last of her girlfriends to trap a man, Miss Desperate wants to get married -- now. She doesn't care who the guy is or what he does -- as long as he's got a penis she can drag him to the altar. Watch out for this one!

10. Miss Turncoat
She's a conniving little piece of work who's an expert at conning men. Miss Turncoat will tell you exactly what you want to hear until you're hooked deep into the relationship (or married)… and then the truth comes out. Overnight, your sweet little girl turns into a demanding, greedy, mercenary harpy who will browbeat you into submission if she doesn't get her way.

11. Miss Tease
Usually, you can spot Miss Teases a mile away because she flirts with anything in pants and flaunt her sexuality at every opportunity. Sometimes she sponges off older men; sometimes she's a ball-buster who enjoys getting men sexually excited and then walking away; and sometimes she just basks in her sexual power by attracting men like bees to honey. No matter how she operates, you can't trust her because she craves male attention and if somebody better comes along, she'll dump you in a heartbeat.

12. Miss Controlling
She is a subtly nasty one who will wind up directing every phase of your life. She will tell you what to wear, where to go, who to talk to, what friends you can have, what you can eat -- everything. And if you try to stand up for yourself, she will cut off sex, cry, scream, pout, or use any other deceptive female tactic until you give in and succumb to her demands.

13. Miss Broke
While you worked your ass off for years to get ahead, she was whoring around in Barcelona. She still hasn't paid off her student loan, has credit card debt equal to half her meager income, and drives a car she can’t afford. Her total debt is close to what she makes in a year, and her total assets are worth about two grand. She thinks nothing of taking a trip she can't afford, eating out several times a week or living by herself (her privacy is IMPORTANT) when having a room mate would improve her financial situation dramatically. If you choose to get serious with Miss Broke, be prepared to work until the day you die, because you will NEVER get ahead. Do yourself a big favor and find out about your new love's finances ASAP.

14. Miss Mentally Ill
She seems to be OK at first, but the first time you get her naked you find out her body is covered with self-inflicted scars. Clinically depressed, suicidal, physically/mentally abused, obsessive/compulsive, passive/aggressive, and bipolar people need love too, but they also need professional help and often refuse to get it. Don't let this one catch you off guard, it's more common than you may imagine, especially eating disorders. Run away and don’t look back!

15. Miss Pet
She has more than three cats and could be nuts. Look no further than the newspaper to read about some "cat lady" who was evicted because she had a filthy place crawling with dozens of cats. Another type to avoid is one who owns a lap dog that she dresses up and puts bows on. Her Precious will always be number one with her. You'll always be number two, and no guy wants that. Remember; if you're a good boy and treat her Precious well, she'll treat you right and keep you around for a long time. But, if it gets to be too much of a hassle, you can always develop a "serious allergy" and go your separate ways. And next time, look for a woman without a pet.

You've been warned! These are some of the worst of them. Obviously, there are some good women out there who share only portions of these negative qualities. But it's always best to be on the lookout for the Misses listed above.
And now that you know better, if you hook up with one of these women, you have only yourself to blame.

Dear Reader...

Dear reader,

Good morning and welcome to my blog. I am the Good King Ddot. Avert your eyes!!! Never look at me when I speak to you! I'm sorry but they played that Laffy Taffy song 3 times before I got to work and it worked my nerves.

I am glad that you've chosen my site to visit and to see what is on my mind. I invite you to comment or link me if you find any of this nonsense even remotely entertaining. But more importantly I want you to voice your opinion.

You see I am an arrogant prick most of the time and I have a penchant for irritating people. Hey what can I say it's how I get my kicks. Occasionally I'll tackle an important issue although as My Loyal Subjects will tell you that hasn't happened in awhile. Stop your whining people!!! Anyway if I write something that you totally disagree with I urge you to call me out on it.

I want my little spot here to be a place of dialogue and discussion. I have enough butt kissers in real life. Now if you just so happen to agree with me then that's great too but don't just agree with me so you won't feel my wrath!

In conclusion let me thank you again for stopping by and please feel free to come again.

YOUR KING,
DDOT

Test

I'm just tinkering with photoshop. You can ignore this.

Random Thought Friday...

I
F*ck with your soul like ether
Will
Teach you the king you know you
Not
"Ddot" across the belly
Lose
I prove you lost already.....
Nas "Ether"

That's right kiddies I got that stuff that makes your soul burn slow. So don't bark up that tree because that tree will fall on you. I don't know why your advisors didn't forewarn you! Rejoice! For it is I the Good King Ddot back with what you and the entire blogging world has been waiting for...RANDOM THOUGHT FRIDAY!!!! And I promise it won't be a disappointment like Joseph and Lorraine's first born! Confused? Don't worry about it. Just put on your protective gear and get ready for an onslaught of complete random nonsense. Enjoy.

Stop with the Christmas music. Seriously it's way to early for that crap. I swear they started playing it in my office the day after Halloween. It's not the most wonderful time of the year and Rudolph is a loser who was just used by old St. Nick to get him out of jam. So jingle DEEZ bells!!

I really like cool white people but I can't stand white people who try to be cool. Don't insult me by saying stuff like "hey Ddot I be getting crunk on da weekend son!" Seriously that's worse than calling me a nigger. Talk to me like the intelligent human being that I am.

You know I write this crap just to keep from falling asleep but sometimes I just like other bloggers touch people's lives. There is a little girl in Georgia who asked her sister was I the King of all bloggers. Little Summer the King is here to tell you sweetheart that yes I am King of all bloggers and now you can continue living your life knowing that you got a shout out in my Random Thoughts and that within itself should propel you to do great things.

Everybody finished throwing up? Good let's press on shall we?!

I really would like to update my profile picture. The crazy thing is that as easy as it was to do the first time I can't seem to figure out how to do it now. Wait did I just admit to not knowing how to do something? Disregard this entire paragraph.

A 21 year old chick just called me "sir". I will now perform a prostate exam on myself and double up on the Zoloft. Thanks a lot lady.

I I I I be on it all night, man I be on it all day
All day, straight up pimp
If you want me you can find me in the
A! A! A! I love that song so much that I want to move to the ATL just so that when I sing it I can actually be in the A! Of course that would mean GP and Drea would be at my house all the time and we'd do stupid stuff like throwing water balloons at strangers and taking road trips to visit Leesa and listen to her stories.

Why did Oprah refer to black people as colored and as negros on David Letterman last night? Do you automatically turn into a white racist once you reach a certain tax bracket?

Why is it that no one said how much they hated my new...now old template until I switched back to this one?! Jabronies.

Why are people fighting for the right to carry scissors on planes?! Just go to the dollar store when you land and buy a pair! I'm flying to Dallas at the end of the month and if I see anybody with fingernails that are too sharp I'm tackling them! Americans are idiots.

Don't piss like a puppy if you're going to play with the big dogs.

Ok that's it. Not the greatest RTF ever but I'm slowly coming out of my writer's block and that's a good thing. But then again who cares what you think! Ok leaveme now so I can lay in the fetal postion and suck my thumb in the dark.


And all you haters please remember that I am the blogging equivalent of a Red Rider BB gun. You don't need to play with me. Why? Because you'll shoot your eye out kid!

Everybody else HAVE A GREAT STINKIN WEEKEND!!!!!



Oh and one more thing. Anybody reading this should email me a question or questions no matter how crazy or odd and I'll answer them all in my post on Monday. We all have to work together to help pull me out of this funk!


IT IS GOOD TO BE....OH YOU KNOW THE REST.