One Week Later...

Surprise surprise!!! It's been one week since you went and voted for all you favorite democratic candidates. Anything in your life changed yet? I didn't think so. Maybe we should give them another week. Maybe two. Maybe ol' Ddot is just impatient and we should give them 6 months to get things together. Or maybe folks need to wake up and realize that no matter who is in control things are never perfect and usually get worse despite good intentions by some.

Damn I'm pessimistic.

Nah I'm just realistic. This country is well over 200 years old and the change of power goes back and forth between this group and that group and yet if you ask anybody 30 plus they'll tell you that things constantly get worse despite advances in science and technology. Odd isn't it? I graduated high school in 1994. The bad kids were the dudes that smoked in the bathroom or maybe left school to get lunch from McDonalds. If there was a fight in school it was big news. Now at my old school the kids walk through metal detectors and have a police officer on duty. Same school just a little over ten years later. Amazing. My point? It doesn't really matter. The democrats will ensure you make more money per hour and then tax the crap out of you to start social programs. The republicans cut taxes(especially for the rich) so that you get more money on your check and cut programs because they believe you should do what you want with your money. Both interesting points of view and obviously neither is overwhelmingly better than the other. So keep your vote or die t-shirts. I know plenty of people who voted and died anyway. One.

The Redefinition...Lesson 2...

You think you know what a man is. But you've been brainwashed. You watch too much television, too many movies. Put away those romance novels. I'm redefining what it is to be a real man. Take notes and witness the maturation of a KING.

A real man doesn't need to put 24 inch rims on his SUV. He's secure enough in his manhood to not crave the unnecessary attention. Is that the dude you're drawn to? Then you deserve what you get. I pull up with no tint on my windows listening to some smooth r&b or jazz. Am I boring to you? Then you deserve what you get. Do you spend all your time adding friends to your Myspace page? Well while you're adding random dudes with 10 year old pictures on their profiles to your Myspace I'm carving out my space in this world. Does it turn you on when your "thug" pulls out a wad of cash from his jeans that are falling off his butt? Cool. I rarely carry cash. I settle for platinum and black cards. Yeah a real man has good credit. You have a baby by him and wonder why he doesn't pay child support after full well knowing he didn't pay his bills before the kid came along. You deserve what you get. So what have we learned here today?

The Redefinition...Lesson 1...

Lesson 1.

You think you know what a man is. But you've been brainwashed. You watch too much television, too many movies. Put away those romance novels. I'm redefining what it is to be a real man. Take notes.

I don't raise my voice and threaten to "go upside your head" because my mother taught me to respect women not because I'm soft or weak. Further more I respect myself and I would never jeapordize my livlihood or my freedom so that you can see my eyes red and my nostrils flare. A man knows himself inside and out. He realizes that he can whip your ass and therefore has no need to actually do it. A man will not let you define the type of man he is within.

A Happy Day...

My Pop and I along with my sister. All of us with the same sense of humor and wit. We had a blast.

Random Thought Friday....KINGDOM COME

When the page finally opened and you saw the words you felt butterflies in your stomach. What is the b-l-o-g without the D-d-o-t? Yeah it's the blog world's savior, so after this post you might owe me a favor. Every email I open is saying "Yo D you're wack!" "Whatever happened to THE KING? He was the coldest cat!" "Get your swag back daddy, where's your focus at?" But despite that, yeah your boy is back.

I've been reading. I've been working. Oddly enough, I've been writing. You can learn so much if you just watch and listen. Well now I'm so enlightened I could probably glow in the dark.

I keep hearing "Hurry up D, you breathe it and we need it!" So the first post back will be my most popular post, Random Thought Friday. There are much bigger issues in the world, I know. But first I had to take care of the world I know.

I had a bit of a creative drought. But it was nothing different from when I was 21 and hustling down south. I re-upped and the reward is you get to revel in my royalty and read the randomness that pops into my head this morning. Damn I'm nice and this while I'm still yawning.

If you're new or forgot, random thought friday consists of me typing out whatever pops into my head until my boss walks by and asks for a report or I get tired of typing and go outside and take a nap in my car. So by the power vested in me I pronounce you a reader of...RANDOM THOUGHT FRIDAY!!!

Grey's Anatomy is the best thing on television.

All the chicks on that show are hot.

Go see The Departed. You'll thank me.

A lot of bloggers are getting together this weekend during Howard's Homecoming. Which means I'm going to break the world record for the most people screwed whom you met on the internet.
Jay-Z's new single "Show Me What You Got" sucks balls.

I'm getting a new supervisor on Monday morning. I have no idea what to expect. But I know her office is going to be right behind my desk. My internet fun might be cut in half.

Have you seen Madonna lately? If she wasn't Madonna and was trying to get into show business at best she is the ugly mom on the laundry commercial with frazzled hair because the leading brand just won't cut it. The sexy mom with the tight sweater already knows this, and that's why her kids hug her at the park.

The Redskins are frustrating the crap out of me this year!

I'm stuck in an office with a bunch of middle aged women going through menopause. They are all having hot flashes at the same time. I have an icicle hanging from my nose as I type this.

I wonder how many times someone is going to bring up today being Friday the 13th. I should start packing my pistol.

Google Talk needs to add a conference option.

How can a educational system designed in the late 1800s be expected to be effective in 2006?

I can't stand people who are irritable for no reason. Irks the crap out of me.

Google bought You Tube. Good for the three creators of You Tube, bad for the rest of us.

There's a new girl in the office and Kang has lost his mind.

If you know any Africans ask them to make you a Scottish Egg. Trust me.

I say T.O. is kicked off the Cowboys no later than November 18th.



Alright we have too many big wigs running around here today so I can't really dig in to my ish. Yall have a great weekend and for everybody partying in D.C. this weekend please remember that D.C.'s AIDS rate is 10 times higher than the national average! And I'm out!

I'll Be Back...

Nope I'm not Arnold Swarzanegger but I'll be back on Monday Oct. 9, 2006 with a regular daily serving of nonsense. Set your calendars!!!

Shits & Giggles...

Now this is just too funny. It's rare that anybody can really make me laugh but this video had me rolling. Enjoy.

Say Goodbye

We're losing 3 minutes of daylight everyday. They are screwing up *You Tube and after reading **Nikki's blog there are just so many other things to be doing including spending time with folks you love. I've stayed away from my blog more than ever the past few weeks and suprisingly I didn't really miss it. I missed some of my e-friends but not the blog. So girl it's not you, it's me. But everyone knows my M.O. I might leave for awhile but I'll resurface sooner or later. Until then say goodnight to the bad guy.



*I'd advise using Google Video since they are deleting so many videos from You tube. What is cool about Google Video is you can post the videos straight to your blog while watching it. One.

** I know what you're going through is tough. It truly is never the right time to say goodbye. Just remember that death ends a life, not a relationship. I've got your back for whatever you need and whenever you need it. That's still true with you too GP.

Peace & Love

Jay-Z Friday Night

Here's a video of that thief Jay-Z performing Friday night in Amsterdam if any of yall are interested. And I'm starting a petition to get a producer credit on this new album he's dropping!



Y'all rapping-ass niggas, y'all funny to me
Selling records, being you but still you want to be me
I guess for every buck you make it's like a hundred for me
And still you running around thinking you got something on
me
But I done did it
And y'all want to take my flow, and run with it
That's cool, I was the first one with it
Original, Kings the future, flow digital
Still busting a gat when she gets critical
Sit it down, I don't want y'all to get it confused
I rip it down, like I ain't got nothing to lose--------Jay-Z Imaginary Player

Thought...

Nope not Random Thoughts. Just one, thought.

It's been 3 years since Jay-Z dropped an album. In the new edition of Entertainment Weekly he says that for 2 years he believed that he would stay retired. Which means something happened in the last year to inspire him to get back to doing what he does best. Any guesses as to what that could be? Try a certain smooth, sexy, chocolatey blogger that calls himself Ddot the King. Yep it's all me baby. Get this, he's naming his new album KINGDOM COME.

Yeah like that's a coincedence.

This cat wants to be me so bad that it hurts. Don't get me wrong I'm flattered but people bite my style all the time for free. At least a dude that's going to probably go platinum the day his album comes out could give me a shout out in his "Thank You" section or something! For all you readers that were born after 1990, a Thank You section is where the artist thanks all those who helped him complete the album and what not. I know yall young folks just download the albums so I felt I needed to explain. Anyway so Jay now that I know you're reading this I'd like for the Thank You to read something like this : And a very special thank you to my hero and inspiration Ddot who entertained me while I pretended to be President of Def Jam. And D I want to apologize for interrupting you and Beyonce that night, I truly forgot that it was your weekend to spend with her. By the way how did you get her in that position? I never knew she was so flexible! You're the greatest! -S. Carter.

*UPDATE*

Ok so Jay even gave the EW reporter a little piece of his first single:

And then he launches into an impromptu a cappella preview of the title track, which was inspired by a 1996 comic in which Superman comes out of retirement to save the world. The lyrics that effortlessly roll off his tongue may help explain his return: ''Take off the blazer/Loosen up the tie/Step inside the booth/Superman is alive!''

So without further ado, let us welcome, and celebrate, the return of Jay-Z, a.k.a. Jigga, a.k.a. Hova. He is, arguably, the most powerful man in the music business but without his music, well, he's just Clark Kent.

Hmmm...Superman. Superman? Is that right Jay? Superman huh. Ok I can dig that. And the reporter calls him Clark Kent when his at the office. Wow you two guys have really stumbled up on something. The only problem is that I said this months ago. Jay is stealing my stuff man. I know it and yall know it. If you don't remember then just click HERE!

Why I Haven't Posted...

I haven't posted because I've been walking the earth like Caine from Kung Fu. Ok so what if it's not the actual Earth! It's the internet eart and I bet I can cover a lof more ground than that little kung fu dude did. At any rate like Sam from Quantum Leap I'm leaping from blog to blog and life to life making right what once went wrong.

Hold on, I'll be right back.

GP, Quote, & Links

First and foremost The Palace would like to send their condolences to Ms. Georgia Peach and her family. Her mother passed on Friday. GP the entire Kingdom's thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time. I don't have a myspace account so I can't leave notes on her page but I know that some of yall do so hit her up and let her know that you're thinking about her.



Today's quote: "Failure is not the only punishment for laziness; there is also the success of others." - Jules Renard


I think this is going to be my new favorite site for celebrity pictures and jokes. State of Hate

The Mailbag...

Ok so now that I've confused the hell out of yall with my last two or three posts I'm back to my normal nonsense. Don't get me wrong I love knowing that yall are reading my ish and you get wrnkles in your forehead and and audibly say "huh?". That stuff makes my day. But unfortunately instead of yall just clicking the NEXT BLOG tab you decide to email the good King your questions. I expect a lot of emails when I post weird stuff but yall took it to another level the past week. But as any good King should I am here to answer all your questions and provide insight into my weirdness. On to the mailbag!


What in the hell is that complex about? Better yet WHO is that complex post about?

Yo mama. Ok seriously it's not about or directed at anybody. I read a poem about complexes and I adapted it into my own blog version. So many conspiracy theorists so little time.

Your blog used to be jumping! Where is everybody?

Well I still get the same amount of hits but everybody has seem to have gotten more comfortable emailing me once they read a post instead of commenting. Beats me. The other part of it is I have intentionally ran some people off because they are nerve racking. I need fresh meat around here.

You used to be so cute and now you seem too serious most days. What happened?

I could be cuter, but only if I change my template to a scene where there is a baby tiger and a baby panda dressed in little Halloween costumes in the background. The tiger would be dressed as a pirate and the panda would be a ghost in a sheet with holes cut out for eyes. And then they went to the house and the person ran out of candy after giving candy to the baby pirate tiger, so the baby ghost panda didn't get any, so then the baby pirate tiger would share his candy with the baby ghost panda. Other than that, I think the cuteness is pretty much maxed out.

What are you doing over there?!



Well for the past few weeks I've basically spent my days feeding Alicia Keys grapes and sipping the finest of wines while Mya bites my toenails. That's just how I live except instead of banging beautiful R& B chicks I was looking around to see if any one saw me drop my doughnut on the ground. Cause I only had like one bite. I mean, it's practically a brand new doughnut.








Have you heard that Beyonce calls Jay-Z "Pop Pop"?

Yes and that means she probably calls him Papi when they are intimate. Which means my hate for that nigga grows more by the second. I've actually been working on a plan to get rid of Jay-Z. Here's my plan so far: kill Jay-Z. Ta-da! He's a rapper for goodness sakes. I could shoot him on the senate floor and wouldn't serve a day.

If you keep pissing people off someone is going to assasinate you!

Ok I had to edit that email just a tad so as to not have you guys worried about me. Basically I was threatened by some anonymous jerk. To you sir or madam I say, they have classes for people who have convinced themselves that they are tough over the internet. In "real life" I'm the guy that would take your wallet and play keep away with my friends while you jump back and forth between us. I'd then give you a super wedgie, smack your glasses off your face and kick you in the butt as you went to pick them up. Yeah I'm that guy. In. Real. Life. Let that marinate before you hit that send button next time.

I hate reading blogs like this. I can't stand your pimp daddy/ebonic type of speech. And you really think that's sexy?!

I sho'll do!

I've never heard you mention anything about Christina Milian. Do you think she's attractive?






She's cute but she dated Nick Cannon which means she's got to be a weirdo. She just seems a little ditsy to me. Normally women can at least be good for baking me a pie and fetching my slippers, but I wouldn't even trust Ms. Milian to do that right. I'd almost certainly end up with scalding hot pie on my feet.





Who is the Memo from the King post about? I won't tell anybody if you tell me although I have a pretty good idea who it's about.

No you don't have a clue. It's directed to a chick that I've been reading but she's only commented on my blog about 3 times and so she's not a regular but I like her anyway. Trust me she knows who she is and that's all that matters.

Do you have Beyonce's new album and if so can you send it to me?

Yes and her new album is slightly better than a siren, but still well below video poker music. I would only send it to you if you really pissed me off. 3 decent songs, maybe 4. I still love you B!

Do you have any tattoos?




Nope my skin is far too precious to be drawing silly characters and funny looking chinses letters on it. I like looking at other people tattoos though. Like Jessica Alba has a bow on the small of her back, apparently to unwrap my dreams.







Sorry I haven't been by your spot in a minute. I'm a little depressed. I can't seem to find a good man and I haven't had sex in ages. LOL! I don't know why I'm telling you all this, I'm sure you wouldn't be interested in a high yellow lady with a backside like a M60 Patton, or would you? LOL! Just kidding!

We don't "kid" like that around here maam. First of all you used "high yellow" and "M60 Patton" in the same sentence which is a turn on all by itself. I know you're hurting baby girl so I'd like to mention that my semen is said to have healing properties. I'm not sure if it can heal a broken heart, but once it even gave a blind parapelegic girl the ability to see and jump around. And scream. And dial a phone. Although ... wait ... now that I think about, that girl might have just been asleep.




Well that's all folks. I promise no more weird posts. Ok that's a stretch. How about no hair scratching posts? Cool. It's a deal. I'm on a mission baby and I'm bringing the heavy ammunition! Stay tuned!

Wireless Zone...

I'll be posting something soon but right now I'm over here spending my money trying to find a new phone and plan. They have the best deals I've found online so go get one! Enjoy and you can thank me later.

Memo From The King...

I've been reading a lot of blogs recently and it turns out a lot of yall are quite interesting. I kind of feel bad for ignoring your requests to stop by sooner. Oh well we live and we learn right? Right. So anyway I've decided to offer some advice or contructive criticism to a few of you. You're welcome. What I'm really doing is very cleverly ripping off Nikki's August 1 post but if you don't tell then I won't. The names have been deleted to protect the guilty, weird, and insane.

1. You're first on the list as I read your blog this morning and you are the impetus of this post. I think you are probably cool people but you whine and complain too much. That ish gets old as hell. Any problem that you have is blamed on "the way you were raised". Give that nonsense up man. Take some responsibilty for your own actions and thoughts. You even claim that you look down on others simply because you were taught to think a certain way. We have the same background and although I rebelled against it too it wasn't because they were wrong. It was because I decided to do what I wanted to do. You've decided to go in a different direction with your life and if that's the case then fine but why are you so hung up on the past? Let it go. You even devote time to trying to prove that the way you were raised was wrong. A lot of people like you do that. Just like the original one that rebelled you just can't seem to let it go. Why? Because deep down you know the truth. I take naps on saturdays all the time and have never felt guilty. In fact I sleep like a baby.

Ok after I thought about it number 1 is the only person I wanted to say something about. I am so judgemental!!! Actually I just don't like whiners.

Back...

Ok I'm back from my one day holiday. Did you all miss me? Good. Stay tuned for a post.

Complex...

Perched high upon my blogging soapbox I see all of you scurry about aimlessly. I read your stories about broken hearts and dreams. I see the pictures of you that were probably taken sometime during the Reagan administration. But what I see more than anythingelse are your complexes.

Inferiority complexes create paranoias in your mind and so you find pictures of others to berate and make fun of to make yourself feel better. Only you never truly feel better so you keep searching for more pictures and more stories on these ordinary people, that just so happen to be more recoganizble than most, that some call celebrities. The same people that you try to emulate when you go shopping for your new purse, kicks, or weave. It's ugly face shows up when you see that nice pair of shoes from a distance and when you pick them up you look for the SWOOSH. God forbid it be a SWEESH instead. Now you're feeling hesitant. People will look at you funny. You second guess yourself. Just because you like it doesn't mean you should buy it right?

But it's not that simple. Nope complexes are complex. It's your complex that makes you buy that fake Rolex from Sung Woo who does his best Puffy imitation to get you to buy the glass encrusted watch. It's that materialistic complex to appear to be something you aren't or have things that you really can't afford. That fake rolex is what is going to impress that big butt girl you've been wanting to get with for the past month. Yeah you can tell just by looking at her that you're going to have to save up for about a month and take her somewhere special if you ever get the chance. Meanwhile that same young lady is walking around with a fake Gucci purse trying to impress other females that she claims not to care about. It makes you worship the Lexus and do obeisance to the Bentley.

Your complex makes you look at me and say "you're weird". It makes you wonder why when you say that I have that creepy smile on my face. It causes the confusion in your mind when I say "And I'll be that way until Trent Lott graces the cover of JET Magazine". You see I was creating metaphors this morning while you were trying to figure out which card to use to pay for that bitches breakfast. It's why you feel inadequate when you read my blog. You don't want me there but I invade your thoughts like Bush did Iraq and I refuse to leave until you get the point.

Does that anger you? Make you feel funny? It's your complex. Now you're depressed, stressed, wondering how I see you so clearly through your words. Never mind that, you've got to realize your complex is the wall they got your back up against. I know you probably see my complex too and that's cool. It's a superiority complex and I'm working on it. Fortunately for me my complex isn't effected by you and yours. I create trends. I stick to my guns even when they aren't loaded. I am to be admired. I know you'll listen to me because of your complex. It's your complex that's got you afraid of what I'll say next.

Dear Katrina...

Dear Katrina,

It was a year ago today that you came through New Orleans and acted a complete fool. You destroy homes, businesses and worst of all you took 1600 lives.

I remember seeing the bodies floating in the remnants of your devastation and the horrified survivors on the rooftops screaming at the news cameras that hovered above for help. Everyone watched in disbelief as we saw thousands of people living in a football stadium. The old and the young, the criminals and the innocent, the poor and the poorer all there together begging, pleading for help.

Then I watched as the so called african american leaders who have lined their pockets with the money of those same poor people took the opportunity to blame George Bush and any other white person who wasn't swimming to the Superdome to carry those people to safety. I watched as George Bush spoke and and acted before thinking leading us all to believe that he didn't care about those people, the majority of whom were black. Once they saw all those black fingers pointing at them they were able to point the finger right back at another black face, mayor Ray Nagin.

While the politicians pointed and shifted blame an 80 year old woman in desperate need of insulin slept on the 50 yardline of a football field. A father tried to keep an eye on his young daughter amongst the pedophiles that no doubt roamed the arena. New young mothers rationed out food to their young children not knowing when or if someone would show up to save them.
And still the fingers continued to point, only not in the direction of 1500 Poydras St. Well except for Barbara Bush's wrinkled little fat finger. She pointed out that the little boys and girls sleeping on cots and right under a goal post were living better than they ever had before.

1 year later the devastation remains, not only from when you blew through one of the world's most famous cities but the devastation of the ineptitude of those that we look to for help in these types of situations. In fact on this the 1 year anniversary many will use the death and destruction as a platform to win some political race. And this at a time when it is being reported that of the 4 billion dollars that was raised appoxamately 75% has been stolen. While the contracts to rebuild the city have been given not to the sons and daughter of New Orleans but to the friends and cronies of the vice president and other politicians. Now all fingers are pointing to those destroyed areas as the land has become prime real estate. The same land that was neglected when those poor and uneducated resided in broken down project buildings is now cause for great concern. The black leaders don't want the white people to have the land, the white people want to make money regardless of who lives there and those poor and disenfranchised folks that lived in constantly lit bowl for two weeks are now living in the same worn down projects in different American cities.

Katrina you're going to get a lot of attention in the upcoming months and some might even try to blame you for what you did to that city but in reality it's not your fault. They knew you were coming. Maybe they didn't know when but they knew sooner or later you'd show up but those raggedy levees weren't priority at the time because of who they protected. No Katrina it's not your fault it's their fault. All of them. Of course they'll all take their hands out of the lobbyists pockets for a second to point fingers at each other while the other hand is making sure that they get some of that prime real estate.

The Mailbag...

I neglected to do my Mailbag post last week and not only did I disappoint my millions(more like 12) of fans but now my inbox is full of weird, funny, and down right disgusting emails. Although I have deleted the ones that made no sense and forwarded it others directly to the local police I did save a few interesting ones that helps you the reader get to know your King just a little bit better. Enjoy.



Do you watch Flavor of Love?

Ummmm...I tried to once and it wasn't funny or insightful or funny, or interesting, or funny. In fact it was just kind of sad. I feel sorry for everyone involved in the show. Flav has started to really believe that that house they are filming in is his real house and the girls, well, halfway through you could replace them with a live shot from a pediatric cancer ward, and show a little kid with cancer, and the little kid would be holding a puppy, and the puppy also has cancer, and people wouldn't even notice that something had changed.

So D what do you really do for a living?

Honestly? I am a top secret rocket ship pilot who in my spare time invented the panda bear.


Are you really as conceited as you pretend to be?

Let's just put it this way, I am so perfect I should be frozen and studied. Or at least used as a breeder. Some of you may scoff at the moral implications of something like that, to which I would fake a cough while barking out "homo". To further discredit your pedantic objection, I would grab your wrists in front of the other members of whatever board is in charge of this sort of thing and demand you "stop hitting yourself". The room would then fill with impressed murmuring and my powerful Aristotelian logic would once again rule the day.

Did you see Beyonce's new video? She's jjust shaking and girating all over the place. I know you are her biggest fan but please tell me you don't like that!
I can't stress enough how okay that is. The word hero gets thrown around pretty casually these days, but I think we can all agree it applies to Beyonce shaking her jelly for no apparent reason.

Do you think Angelina Jolie is sexy?

She's ok. Her lips look like she's been kissing a hot stove though. She's a little weird and that's always sexy. Honestly, if one year ago someone told you that Angelina Jolie would become either: A) a werewolf B) an outer space cowboy or C) a mom with 2 adopted kids from third world countries and pregnant with Brad Pitts child, your only question would be "wait, if she bites me, do I die or become a werewolf too".

Are upset about not getting nominated for a Black Weblog Award?

Don't be ridiculous! Those folks over there should have halos on their heads and by that I mean I wish they were dead. Ok look I feel sorry for them, not me. Whoever wins will be paper champions. You can't give out any blog award and not have the King of All Blogs involved in some shape, form or fashion! Upset? No. I was upset when I caught my twin brother and his friends running a train on my girlfriend. I'm down right pissed at this nonsense! Kingy Awards coming soon....

I have kids and was offended by the comment you made about "letting the bastards walk to school". I hope it wasn't supposed to be funny because it wasn't!

Look I was modeling in Europe by the time I was 16, so maybe I am being a little hard on the under achieving little turds who have to ride the school bus. I don't really hate kids. I don't even really know any 16 year olds to ask them why they don't have cars. Only one of the models in my hot tub is 16, but she's Japanese, so when I asked her about this, her answer was some kind of crazy talk. I think she said something about Godzilla and how I look like GI who bomb her willage, but that might be because I'm really really racist.

Why do you have to be such a smartass?

Why do you have to send me stupid emails?




And that's that folks. I'll save the rest of the nonsense for the Thursdays post. So in the mean time send all your angry emails(which will be deleted) funny emails and any random comments or questions to The King so he can make fun of you at your expense. Don't you just love it when i speak of myself in the third person?! I read somewhere that it's a sign of genius. I think the book was called "I'm Always Right" by Ddot the King. Mosey on over to Amazon and pick that up! I'm out. One.

Random Thought Friday...

Can I get a drum roll please? Ok now somebody give me a beat. Yeah uh! I like that. Ok I'm about to rip it freestyle! Yo my name is King and shots is what I call, all the female bloggers like to juggle my balls.....hey hey wait a minute! I can't let yall hear all my hot fire! I'm going platinum bitches!

At any rate it's RTF and so we must delve into the mysterious caverns of my dome. Yeah like the previous paragraph isn't proof enough that I'm "special". Put your waders on folks it's gonna get messy! On to the Thoughts!


Why does ESPN.com think I'm going to pay to be an "Insider"? So I'll find out about a potential trade a day before it happens. Big whoop.

I heard Beyonce's new song yesterday and I like it a lot better than Deja Vu and that Ring the Alarm song. It's called Upgrade U and it has Jay on it. I feel sorry for Jigga. She's obviously talking directly to him in the song. She's ready to upgrade from the camel to the King. It was just a matter of time.

That reminds me. Beyonce and Jay aren't getting married. She leaked that info right before her album dropped just like rappers got get themselves arrested or shot right before their albums come out. We gotta stop falling for this stuff people.

I rant, therefore I am

In the elaborate wardrobe of human emotions, guilt is the itchy wool turtleneck that's three sized too small. Guilt may be difficult to articulate, but when it surfaces, it's as unwelcome and distinct as Michael Jackson in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

Instead of playing 4 pre-season games let's just make the regular season 4 games longer. NFL you're such a tease!

Those chicken wraps at Mickey Ds are nice. I can get two of those little joints and a large ice tea for like 3 dollars and some change. Burger King yall better step it up if you wanna keep ole Ddot's business!

I got approved for my home loan!!! I'll be getting a post office box soon so all of you can send me house warming gifts. Oh and yes there will be a minimum dollar amount you'll be able to spend you cheap bastards.

Janet Jackson's voice seems a little deeper than usual. She still puts on the whole Jackson fake high pitched voice but she's definitely got more bass. I knew she didn't just lose that weight from exercising and what not. I think her and Barry Bonds have been hanging out!

What's up with the new Blogger Beta? ANybody tried it or found anything new and exciting that you want to share with your King?

I'm calling it right now. Washington/Miami Superbowl....OR Washington/Baltimore Superbowl. If the latter happens I won't leave my house 2 weeks before or after the game.

You thought that was mean? I could put her picture up too!

I have to leave for work 20 minutes earlier because of these school busses! Ok that's it, I'm officially Anti-School Bus. Let them little ungrateful bastards walk to school!

A girl had a huge crush on in HS emailed me the other day. We caught up a little and then yesterday finally got around to swapping photographs. Let's just say the past 12 years have been a lot kinder to your boy! Who's infatuated with who now bitch?!


One negative comment about that picture and I'm going to backhand somebody. I did look like I needed a sandwich though.

I need something to do this weekend. I'm broke so I'm going to have to get creative.

The new Outkast album is that fiyah! I just wish we could get Andre 3000 to do more rapping. I'm a little worried about whether the movie will be good so I might hit up the bootleg man.

I rarely ever check my sitemeter anymore because i get hit a thousand times a day by people looking for pictures of Donald Trump's wife. I posted her picture one time and people from all over the world hit my page for it. That's crazy.

If Terrell Owens was on fire in my front yard I wouldn't piss on him to put him out.


And I'm out. Everybody have a great weekend. And get up and get out of the house. Staring into a computer screen masturbating to my pictures is just odd! One.

Things I've Learned...

Life is tough. As soon as you figure out one problem ten more pop up. Just as I'm thinking I'm the master of one domain something happens to show me that I'm nothing more than a bumbling fool. Sure the lion is the King of the Jungle but if you drop him off in Antartica he's just a penguin's bitch.

Take my blog for example. I am literally the King of all Bloggers and my witty commentary on things endears me to many and yet this past week as I talked to a couple of my readers about some very serious subjects they didn't take me seriously because they just couldn't grasp the idea that I knew something outside of Jay-Z and Halle Berry. To them I'm just funny. The message that I wanted to get across to them fell on deaf ears because I've been so good at developing this image on my blog! That sucks. Correction. It sucks balls.

The message I was trying to convey was that of a religious tone and so it trumps the nonsense that I type in this space and so if it would help someone to learn something I should just stop blogging or at the very least change the tone somewhat. But I don't want to and so now every time I type a curse word or talk about Halle having my babies I'm going to feel guilty. We all know what guilt is right? It's God's little way of telling us we're having too much fun. It's the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

Don't get me wrong I see the contradiction and someday I'll finally get over my addiction of blogging, (well actually it's an addiction to creativity but I digress) and quit but I just wish folks could see that others have more than one side to them. Sure, laugh at my delusions of grandeur but also recognize when I state a fact and theres a small possibility that I could be right. For example you're more likely to get shot by a fat cop than a fit one if you run. Is that funny? Sure. But it's also fact. I can do both.

What else have I learned? People afraid of commitment are some weak bastards. It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time, yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? Don't read that and start emailing me about marrying you because it's not going to happen! I just think fear is stupid. You handicap yourself throughout life with fear. Learning that was the impetus to getting me on that roller coaster a few weeks ago. Fear of success, love, happiness is all just a huge waste of time. Do you think the mighty lion is thinking about that penguin in Antartica while he's hunting prey? No. So stop it.

1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!!!....

Ladies & gentlemen, boys and girls, Loyal Subjects and other assorted crazy people. Welcome to the 1 year anniversary party for the dopest, flyest, most original, and happiest blog on Earth!!!! It's been a wild ride since August 19th 2005 and so today we're going to have a blast! To start things off I've invited Marvin Gaye to sing the National Anthem. Now before he comes out let me just say I've never sang this song in my life and don't condone the singing of it but what you are about to witness is some remarkable stuff. Remember when Whitney sang the anthem at the Super Bowl? Well multiply that about 34. Ladies and gentleman Marving Gaye!




I told you Marvin would put the stank on it! He worked that so good you could put that on a slow jam mix. Thanks Marvin. We miss you!

Since I first started this blog 1 year ago there have been lots of changes. Changes in my life, changes in the world, and of course changes in my template! We've had friends come and go. There have been beefs, boasts, and bullshit. Well today we're re-visiting all of the fun and sadness. So if you showed up late or took a break, today we're covering it all. O course it'll probably cause more beef but who cares! If it's one thing that hasn't changed it's my pompous, arrogant, and who gives a crap attitude so let's get busy!!!!

Ultimately I want to make this celebration about you guys. Your comments on my posts throughout the year have already shown how you feel about me and what I write and so now let's take a little stroll down memory lane....

The Loyal Subjects

Grant- Grant has been with me since day one. Literally. I didn't realize it until a few weeks ago that he actually was the first person to comment on my blog that I didn't know and he actually commented on my very first day of blogging. You are a strange bird but anybody that has put up with my nonsense for that long deserves a shout out at least.

Danielle- D's Crunk Corner was the first amateur blog that I was really impressed with. She had gadgets in her sidebar and she had blogroll broken down into two sections, a idea I would later steal for my blogroll. She also routinely had over 50 comments on each of her posts and later upwards of a hundred or more. Danielle was also the first person I beefed with online. She took offense to an innocent comment made by GP and kept emailing me to "get her in check". I ended up saying she smelled like cheese. Danielle I am offering you a public apology for all that nonsense. You were cool before you lost your mind. I forgive you and I hope you forgive the King.

Georgia Peach- Your cute. A little arrogant, but cute. I'll watch your blog progress and see what else interesting you have to say. That was GP's first comment on my blog back on August 30th 2005. It was also the start of a great online friendship. At one point she was even recognized as my Executive Producer. As much as I tried to keep her sheltered from the rest of the world eventually lots of others found her and she found lots of others as well. I don't see or hear from GP that much anymore because of that crooked little place called Myspace but she's a lifetime member of THE DYNASTY!

Andrea aka BrownSoul- Sept. 3rd is when the brown souled queen showed up in The Kingdom. And like Grant she still shows up every now and again. I joked with her early on that she was my favorite commenter because she alwasy agreed with me. I pretty much still feel the same way! LOL! Holla at me Queen!

Leesa- Sept. 8th the second loyal subject of european descent came along and brought with her a heart in her writing that always makes me smile and a mind that, well, is freaky as hell. She's a hell of a writer and as stated before she was the first blogger to link me and I was pumped for about 2 weeks because of it!

Jackie- There's a song by the Commodores call Night Shift and second verse goes something like this: Jackie(Jackie), hey what you doing now
It seems like yesterday
When we were working out
Jackie, you set the world on fire
You came and gifted us
Your love it lifted us higher and higher
Keep it up and we'll be there
At your side
Oh say you will sing your songs
Forevermore, evermore
I love that song. Anyway it describes my relationship with J to the tee. She first visited my blog on the post that turned out to be the most comments I'd ever had at that point so I was quite excited. She was charming, witty, and funny as hell. I think she was the second blogger that I actually talked to outside of the blog. We emailed each other all day long fussing, joking, and whatever else we could think of to help us pass our boring days at work. She always challenged me on my blog which was something different at the time. Now everybody tries to do it but back then she made it so much fun. The time she was around was the the golden era of my blog. I write better when I'm upset and at the time I was going through some really tough things. She helped me through that period with her humor and kindness. Eventually she would become another person I beefed with although it has always been more subtle as I have too much respect for her to ever say anything disrespectful in front of all of yall. Miscommunication is a bitch sometimes. If you feel I wronged you in anyway I Jacquelyn I want you to know I never intended to and I apologize.

Mwabi- Happee2bnappee is how I was first introduced to Mwabi. She won a contest to become the newest member of the Dynasty. She disappeared for awhile though but I've heard she resurfaced. If you're out there Mwabi holla at me!

Rell- My homie Rell made his first appearance in October. I have had very few regualr male readers and even less African-American ones. In fact Rell is the only one(Well he's the only one that comments). He loves Carolina and Jordan as much as I do. The only problem with the dude is that he's a Cowboy fan. Hey Rell the Cowboys are just the pro football version of the Duke Blue Devils!!!

Video X- VX was an interesting case. She first commented on my blog back in October and a few months later was part of a group that tried to really trash the King. But I did see the humor in it all and we were able to squash the beef and we've been cool ever since. Shouts to VX!

Nikki- Nov. 3rd Nikki typed her way into my life and changed it forever. Her first comment? i agree. the end. That was it. And my first thought is this is a person with very few words. Well let's just say my assumption was just a tad bit off. This woman does things with words that i thought were previously impossible. She constantly shocks me. Actually if you liked any of my posts from the past few months it's because Nikki has been masturbating my mind and the climax is the words you've been reading. She inspires me like no one else. Oh and she also designed my blog! Which reminds me, it's time to switch it up again Nik!!!

Laa- LaaLaa was the next high yellow chica to capture my attention and she still has it. Seriously Laa is one of my favorite bloggers and it has nothing to do with her complexion. She's just really cool and down to earth. Laa is a lifelong Dynasty member. I'd also like to take this time to address the notion put forth by some that I seek out the bright(light skin) female bloggers and attempt to mack them down. Not true. I mack ALL female bloggers! HA! Hold me down Laa and start that study!

Cool AC- Arleta, I think that's her name I can never remember, first commetned on my blog in early December. She's one of those people that's always stating facts and figures. The know-it-all type(LOOK WHO'S TALKING!) that gets on your nerves after about 13 seconds. Check her comments on your pages or her blog and you'll see what I mean. She sits up on a really high horse and points out the flaws of any and everybody not named Cool AC and she wonders why.....wait...I'm supposed to be nice. Cool you're ummmm.....well you're not a bad person per se but....never mind. Thanks for kicking it as long as you did and all that jazz.

Koolbreeze- The lady with all the babies also was a newcomer in December. She's one of my all time favorites as well. She calls me out on her blog for not posting(you didn't think I saw that did you) and harasses me in the comment section. Congratulations on the new baby Kool and I still say you should've named the little crumb snatcher after the King!

Goddess- The Goddess stumbled across my blog when she first started blogging back in December and has been a LS ever since. She's truly an interesting character, so much so I did an interview with her once. She's white but I lover her anyway! Kidding!

Chele- Chele was another December baby. Dang what was I posting in December?! Anyway she is another excellent writer and provides hilarious and insightful comments and the factthat she's attractive doesn't hurt. Go buy her book!

Missy- Missy found me right before the new year as well. Ok I've really got to go back and read the December posts! I love Missy or whatever name she's going by now(NegroPino). She fusses at me for rarely stopping by her blog but I'm going to promise to do better Missy!!!

Kween- LMAO! This one is just funny. Kween is well, I guess the most loyal subject of them all. Since she first commented on my blog on Jan4th I'm not sure if a day has passed that she hasn't visited. Mostly it was to steal my ideas, promote her on blog, and to plug her plays, but she stopped by nonetheless. Her presence really shook things up around here. And when I say shook things up what I mean is a lot of my more establised base couldn't stand her and the way she flirted with the King. In fact she's probably 47% of the reason a lot of my original subjects stopped showing up. But I don't fault her she was just doing what it is that she does. What I do fault her for are those wack pictures of me she keeps putting up on her site. Cease and desist Kween or I will chop you up and feed you to pigs!

TTD- Yall call her TTD but the King calls her Tif. Kween entered the scene Jan.4th and her homey Tiffany wasn't far behind making her first appearance Jan.9th. Tiffany is one of the coolest chicks i've met and that's probably because we have the same sense of humor and usually agree on stuff. She's a basketball fan and that's always a good quality in a female. Along with Kween, they ran off some of my "friends" by coming on my blog and just talking to each other about stuff only the two of them knew about. My inbox was flooded when these two showed up and the contents usually went something like this "I hate them bitches!" LMAO! I was seriously looking for a way to ban them but I'm glad I didn't. They are odd for sure but they are mad cool and didn't up and leave me even when other newbies showed up. Where I'm from we call that "real".

No1:uKnow- A few days after that on Jan. 11th No1 visited the good King although back then she was known as chclt~tits. She's my homey and I tried to get her to change her screen name to KNOWONE. Get it? It's a double entendre! Anyway I just always call her Beaverhousen. I like how Beaverhousen feels on my tongue. Wait a minute! Get your minds out of the gutter! Gtalk me baby!

BK Diva- The Diva changes her name a lot too. She's been extremely sweet since she became a LS and she's an even bigger flirt than me! Holla at me Reesie!

There's just so many people to shout out! All of you guys have made my blog hot and happeneing. Keep rolling through and if you stopped for some reason then come on back! There's always a spot waiting for you at the Palace!

And to show my love for all you guys I've invited the pre-cracked out Whitney to perform a song for you guys that expresses how I feel about you! Enjoy.




Do you hear that haters?! It'll take an eternity to break us! The chains of Amistad can't hold us! Yeeeahhh!!!

This past year flew by and it was all because you kept me laughing or arguing, or just inspiring me by the things on your blogs. All of you. I appreciate you sticking with me even when I am tripping. This blog has been so much for for me and it has also been therapy. Thanks for all your advice and friendship albeit internet friendship it's still a form of friendship nonetheless. You're awesome and here's to another year of my nonsense!

And so to close the show I tried my best to think of a performer who could truly capture the essence of me, this blog, and all of you. Ladies and gentelman Gnarls Barkley!






Thank you. Thank you. You have been far too kind. You could've been anywhere in the world but you are here with me.

Lost...

I did a really good Mailbag this morning before I went to my meeting and I thought it had posted but when I came back it was gone. I thought about doing it over but had no time. But just so you know it was really, really funny. I enjoyed it. Oh well.

I think I posted this picture before but I'm not sure. It's from my younger days. I was probably about 21 or 22 in this picture. I think this picture proves that even when i'm thinking I'm sexy. Don't ask me why I'm posting this other than for you to have a reference of who I was when I tell some of my stories about how I was back in the day. Enjoy.

Hump Day...

Wednesday. Hump day. Before I was an upstanding and contributing member of society, I spent my time collecting money from the kids that sold weed for me in their high schools, the females that sold weed for me in the dorms, and the less scholastic youth that sold the harder stuff for me up on the corner. Other than that I played video games, ate take out from Golden Pizza, and had sex. Lots of sex. Hump day was everyday for the kid. Humping as in humping and pumping some freshman at NC A&T or Bennett College that thought I was a really sweet guy with a nice car. Naivity is such a turn on.

Fast foward to August 16th 2006. I still deal in drugs but this time it's legal. But let me just say that just because it's legal doesn't make it any different. In fact the only differences I see in the operation I work for now and the one I ran back then is that I always made a profit. A substantial one. The folks that worked for me were happy. I was happy. Back then it was hard to sleep at night and now it's hard to wake up in the morning. Other than that it's the exact same thing.

I see the commercials where they name a million ailments until they hit one you have and tell you why you need to buy this or that drug. Do your feet hurt after work? Then you need to take this. Do your hands get sweaty? Then you gotta have this. Then they proceed to tell you that while curing your sweaty palms the drug may also cause you to get dizzy, lose control of your rectum muscles, and paralyze the left side of your body. But you don't have sweaty palms anymore! I sort of feel bad but they say a sucker is born every minute and not even someone as great as me can educate all of them.

I guess the case can be made that some of these drugs do good. Like the ones we have here that help cancer victims or HIV patients. Of course lil Troy who sold weed for me told me that I was saving his life too. You see his mom thought she was 17, the same age of Troy. He never knew his dad and the profits he made helped him buy his school clothes and keep money in his pocket. Can you feel good about something and feel guilty about it at the same time? That's how I feel when I think about that situation but it's also how I feel about my situation now. There are millions of people that don't get the medicines they need to live and we throw away and or lose enough product here a month to take care of a village of people somewhere in Africa or maybe even a couple of those folks that sleep on the ground a few feet away from the White House.

It's Wednesday. Hump day. I hate waking up in the morning because I sleep like a baby. That's what a good conscious does for you. Sure I hate my job but lots of people don't have jobs or do things that I couldn't imagine doing. It's Wednesday. Hump day. A new day for positivity and reflection. All that nonsense from the past, whether we're talking about Monday and Tuesday or the more distant past, are behind us and a bright and happy future is in front of us and that's whether we're talking about the weekend or the goals we've set for ourselves in the future. Can you see them? Out of the valley we now stand at the top of the mountain, the hump. We're half way there baby. We are half way there.

2'z Day....

You see how I spelled Tuesday in the title? That's as creative as it gets today. Tuesdays are really no different than Mondays. The only reason most people don't whine about Tuesdays as much as Mondays is because it's slightly closer to Friday so that makes it just a tad, just a smidgen better than Monday. Wow I'm depressing.

Anyway I came in early today to prepare for a presentation that I have to give for a meeting this morning. I've did a bunch of number crunching and research and printed out stuff for the big wigs to look at and they'll probably just glance at it and as soon as the meeting is over they'll quickly place all my work in FILE 13. If you don't know what FILE 13 is ask somebody. I'm always educating you guys and do I ever get a thank you?! No. I am so unappreciated.

My 1 year anniversary is quickly approaching and as Rick James would say IT'S A CELEBRATION BITCHES! Ok so since I have to commemorate the joyous day that I came into your lives and strong armed the blog world away from the geeks and my creativity is running on "E" shoot me some celebration ideas. My homie Ms. Beaverhousen has suggested that yours truly host a meet and greet for all the MD/DC/VA bloggers. That sounds like fun and I just might do that although it might not happen until 2008 because I am a bit of a procrastinator. At any rate I might do it although Beaverhousen might be one of about 2 local bloggers that doesn't think I'm a jerk. Speaking of all the folks that misunderstand me, I'm thinking of perhaps burying the hatchet with some of the folks I've beefed with over the past 12 months as part of the celebration and have them come over and offer up their opinions of the Good King. But who knows, things change so quickly in my brain that what's truth at the beginning of this sentence is fiction by the end of it.

Hey the more I type just random nonsense the more ideas pop into my dome! I got that feeling! Baby, baby I got that feeling! Look! I got you smiling again. Your boy D still got it just give me some time to re-up. I ain't no dope dealer but I got that crack and when I put that pipe in your lap you don't know how to act. Wait. Let it marinate. Get it yet? Good. Now keep that smile on your face for the rest of the day and when they ask you why are you smiling just say "It's Tuesday, one day closer to Friday and I'm down with the King!" Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week, be sure to tip your waiters on the way out. One.

Monday...

It's Monday. It sucks. I've started writing about 13 different posts since last week and I haven't finished any of them. I planned to finish a few of them during my leisure this weekend but my social life got in the way. Oh well.

So anyway my body is extremely sore from shooting basketball yesterday and to be sitting here sore and to hate my job really sucks. The only thing worse than being sore at a job that you hate is being sore at a job you hate on a Monday morning.

Ok I have work to do. I'll be more entertaining later. Maybe.

Black Weblog Awards...

Well it's that time of year again! Last year I started blogging just when they gave these awards out and I was pissed because I wasn't eligible. So I have strived for the last 12 months to become the best blogger in the universe. Mission accomplished!

I am the undisputed King of All Bloggers!

But your boy still has hopes and dreams. I still have goals. I am as competitive as they come and I love to win. Since August of '05 I've been nominated for quite a few awards including my own Kingy Awards and for the most part didn't care if I won or not. But these are the big boys! That's where you come in. Yes you! Stop looking around I'm talking to you! I have to get nominated and then win.

So all of us that love me with all our heart and soul have to make sure I'm on at least one of those ballots!. Now don't get me wrong if you don't feel as if though the King is deserving of an award don't do it just because I'll cut your brake lines if you don't. No. Do it because I have brought joy and happiness to your life. Because I am the cure for your boredom. Because you routinely call a man you don't know King and are happy to be called a loyal subject. Because you were ecstatic when you saw your name in The Dynasty or the Commission or pissed off because your name isn't there! Whatever your reasons are get over there and check out the categories and then nominate your King!

And just to show you guys that I'm not a self-centered prick, ok well I'm not ALWAYS a self-centered prick be sure to vote for Nikki for best writing and Crunk & Disorderly for best pop culture blog. And to show you that I am still a pompous, arrogant prick here are the categories I'm hoping to get nominated in. What?! I'm just trying to help you out in your nominating process! Ungrateful sonsofbitches. Ok so here goes. Blog Design, Best Humor, Best Hip Hop, Blog of the Year, Blog Community, and Blog to Watch.

The finalist will be chosen and officially nominated on August 15th so vote two or three times a day!!!

Thank you in advance.

6 Flags...

I went to Six Flags on Saturday. Yes I rode a roller coaster for the first time in my life. I also rode my last roller coaster. Ol' Kingy just doesn't get the thrill out of being zoomed through the air upside down and what not. I got on some monstrosity called the Joker's Jinx. As soon as the contraption took off I immediately regretted my decision. I was squezzing the bar in front of me so tight that I am sure I dented the bar. I was so scared that I didn't even scream. Hell, I didn't even open my eyes. I just held on for dear life and prayed that it would all be over soon.

With that being said I had a great time with the young guys that I took and they thought I was really cool because I kept winning them stuff. We had so many stuffed animals and dolls....er...action figures that we were the envy of every little kid in the park. Take that you little rugrats! We were approached more than once by people asking us to win stuff for them. Unfortunately I declined because they didn't offer to pay me. Hey, I'm not a buisness man, I'm a BUISNESS......man! Seeing how none of them was older than 16 for some odd reason they were enamored with the young ladies floating around so I had to keep them focused. I even got to spew a few life lessons for the little guys. I need to have a son. Who wants to have my baby?! Little DJ would be the man! Anyway I have more pictures but I look really goofy in them and so I'm only posting the one that makes me look the least goofy! Enjoy.

I'm so mean that...

RTF...

It's Friday my little pretties!!! My boss is off and I haven't popped a Zoloft in weeks which means that lump of cells that I call my brain is all over the place this morning. So once again my nuttiness is on display for your entertainment purposes.

The word got out that RTF was making it's triumphant return this week and the gentleman in this video got the news right before his wedding started. He tried to contain his happiness but like all of us it just got to be too much. You don't even need sound to appreciate his overwhelming joy at hearing the good news.





Now see that just warms my heart. When my ridiculousness can cause this type of reaction I know one of two things is true. 1) I am a freaking genius or B) There are some nutty people walking around this planet. I think I'll go with option D) All of the above.

On to the thoughts!!!!


I've got 7 extra tickets to Six Flags for August 5th. Who's riding with me?


I don't ride roller coasters.

Have you ever seen a little African man do the Young Joc dance or the Lean Wit it Rock Wit it dance? Trust me, it's hilarious.

We had another going away dinner at work yesterday. That makes like 4 in the past month. All managers. I'm fully expecting to show up to work one day and see yellow tape around the building.

I just heard that Halle Berry ws pregnant. I don't believe it for one second. I think Halle is just trying to trap me. I said NO Halle! Deal with it.

I am the real life Victor Newman.

I went to Target last night and there was a Bentley in the parking lot. I didn't think Bentleys were allowed in Target parking lots. I naturally assumed they had some self destruct mechanism and the Bentley would kill itself if its owner was in a store where a friendly dog led the way to savings.

Kool and Kween don't know what a Maybach is. I don't know if I think that's cool or strange. Go check out their page ladies.
The next time you hear a rapper talk about his 'bach then you'll understand a little better. I love educating people.

I won a $75 gift certificate to Sears so if you want a cheap shirt or something you'd better be nice to me!

I am going to have to talk to Human Resources about these women at my job. They ogle my butt and my package whenever I walk by and it just makes me feel dirty.

My job has all of a sudden stopped blocking Myspace. How is it that they make my life so miserable and yet so fun at the same time?

Now should I start a myspace page and take it over much like blogger?

I like GP's new spot.

Unga Bunga.

Ok I'm losing it.



HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYBODY!!!

The Mailbag...

Yep it's Thursday which means it's time for the Mailbag. The mailbag has become almost as popular as RTF. Speaking of which whatever happened to RTF?! You are slipping D! Get it together you lazy bum! Ok see I said it for you now that should cut down on my emails by about a million tommorrow morning.

At any rate here are some of the real emails my Loyal Subjects as well as the haters have sent me in the last seven days. As always I answer each and everyone from the heart. Enjoy.


D, I don't like it when you're grouchy. What makes you happy?

The laughter of little children as they frolic and play. Oh and rainbows. Don't tell anyone but sometimes I cry a little when I see a pretty rainbow. Not buying it are you? Ok all I really want is a Maybach and some whores.

Your too cynical and self-righteous. You need to work on that if you ever want a relationship to work.

So, let me get this straight - jacking off a geriatric stranger in the bushes won't help me in my relationships? So the dude at the truck stop lied to me? Oh, well, god, now I just feel silly.

You're so mean. I bet you treat your women terrible!

First of all it's always something when you only deal with models like I do and you're as handsome as me. Just the other day one of the models started to turn blue and flail around at the bottom of the hot tub, obviously throwing a little tantrum because she wasn't the center of attention. But I don't roll like that, baby, so I just ignored her, and sure enough she stopped after a few minutes. Harsh? Maybe, but it's all part of my tough love program.

You have an unhealthy obsession with Beyonce and Halle Berry. They might need beef up security when you're around! LOL!

So let me get this straight. I'm obsessed just because I'd make Halle wear assless chaps and a policeman's hat to my parents funeral?! I'm obsessed just because I duct taped a blonde wig to one of my pillows and whisper sweet nothings into it's imaginary ear?! Well the joke is on you because B loved that joke I made about Jay-Z being a talentless bum last night! We laughed and laughed. Then we held each other and then...well that's none of your business. Me and Beyonce like to keep a hot and steamy love life to ourselves! That reminds me, I need to wash that pillowcase when I get home tonight.

You don't have an ounce of class. Your mother should be ashamed!

Well it depends on what your definition of class is. In my little world it's biting your tongue and not telling the cocktail waitress that you desperately want to f*ck her in the ass, even though, in reality, you would very much like to f*ck her in the ass. Stay classy Kingdom!

Would you ever want me if I was single?

"Want" is a tricky word. I'd want you to do really disgusting things to me and I'd probably want to do some things to you that are illegal in 15 states. Now would I want to marry you? Well yeah I'd probably want to but then I'd have quit my tour of the world having sex with parapalegic women and causing them to walk again. So sure I'd want you but science says my penis is more powerful than all of us my friend. So unless you have something against women in wheelchairs stop being selfish!

I been told that you throwin a bunch of shots at me over here on ya blog Potna! But it don't matter I'm still a Boss of blogger and still da Mack of blogs! Don't hate cuz your bitches choos me!

Wow I feel priveledged that you took time out from putting eye liner on your Care Bear to send me hate mail. A real mack wouldn't cry they way you do. Although making grown men cry is what life is all about. At least that's what my mom said. "Ddot" she would say "Life is all about making grown men cry" It sure is mom. It sure is.

Oh and calling yourself "boss of blogger" and "mack of blogs" is like being named the "fastest child molestor". It's great that you won the title, but just realize that we all still hate you.



Wow it's 4:30 and I never posted this crap?! Oh well my boss is off tomorrow so stay tuned tomorrow for something just a weird and terrible!!

I'm Confused....Not Really...

So there I was watching the highlights of Tiger Woods winning the British Open on Sportscenter when it happened. My head had become slightly tilted to the left and wrinkles formed between my two eyebrows. I was familiar with this position as I was constantly in this state during high school math courses. Yep I was confused. Again.

You see Stuart Scott was going on and on about Tiger's dad who died back in May had "been with Tiger" all week. Then they started in on how Chris DiMarco who came in second was also mourning the death of his mother and how she had too had "helped" her son all week from the big clubhouse in the sky.

Huh?

I'm confused.

So both players had parents helping them from heaven. So why wasn't there a tie? Was Ms. DiMarco off getting a refill on milk and honey during the back nine? Or maybe even in heaven Earl Woods knows more about golf than Chris' mom.

My head is tilting more and more. My eyebrows have scrunched up so much that they are touching. None of this makes sense to me. I'm a reasonable person. Stuart Scott and the Sportscenter anchors always seemed reasonable too. This storyline about Tiger winning because of supernatural powers doesn't seem odd to anybody else? C'mon it's not like Tiger never won anything until his dad died and then his dad helped him to finally win one. Tiger has dominated for the last 10 years. Do.mi.na.ted.

Tiger won because he's good, very good. DiMarco came in second because he is really good too. There were no ghosts floating around the golf course pushing balls into holes. No angels helping to decide which club to use on the next hole.

Had Tiger been the only one to have lost a parent and they went with this storyline I would've been irritated but not as much as when they still try to use it after saying both players lost someone. it just doesn't make sense. It confuses me. Not really because we all know that I have a highly evolved brain but I'm sure my head wasn't the only one twisted when they all but said Chris DiMarco's mom dropped the ball so to speak. Her son is already a loser on Earth but to call his mom a loser in the afterlife is just plain pitiful.

So I finally get my head back ons traight and leave the house. I get to work and do the same thing I do every morning when i get to work. I go to ESPN.com and surf for info on the Redskins and Tarheels. Then I saw a link about Tiger and clicked on it. This what the first paragraph of the the story said and I kid you not: Up in the Great Clubhouse in the Sky, Earl Woods is loving this one. Got himself a whiskey tumbler in one hand and a burning cigarette in the other. Got tears rolling down his cheeks. Got something to say to everyone around him at the 19th hole: "That's my boy. That's how I taught him to play thinking man's golf."

They are drinking and smoking in heaven now?! Wow. They must be under new management.

Now I know some of yall have no clue as to what my beef is since you've been taught that your loved ones are in heaven kicking with J.C. and his posse of angels but that's just not the case. And even if it was the case I don't think they'd be sipping whiskey. But the fact that somebody could broadcast or type that nonsense confuses the crap out of me.

Oh well I can't dwell on this any longer. I have to go get something for this crick in my neck. Thanks a lot ESPN.

The Mailbag...

Time for another Mailbag as I continue in my goal of posting everyday like I used to. So keep emailing me your weird, funny, and idiotic emails!!! As always these are actual emails from my readers. Enjoy.

I've noticed that you've become nicer lately. You're showing more of your sensitive side. If it's not an act then it's cool to see another side of you.

I am a prick. Don't let the nice little stories fool you. This morning I attempted to stab sunshine and innocence but the knife wouldn't stick.

D I'm serious about my sister. She thinks you're really funny. I gave you her number but you haven't called her. Are you scared or something? LOL! Seriously she's cute and yet kinda sexy!

If I want cute and kinda sexy I'll hump a baby koala. Wait. Replace that with something funny and that makes sense.

Now that you've changed how do your old thug buddies look at you?

Well of course when I'm around them some of the old stuff comes back out but I'm sure to them it's sorta like watching a puppy growl. He thinks he's scarying you but it's really just kind of funny. Besides it's kind of hard to act tough when you're wearing a sweater vest from the Gap.

What is the worst thing you've ever done?

I'm sorry I'm not here to incriminate myself. But I guess punching out that stripper and then doing a rail off of her ass while she lay face down in her own puke while wearing a cowboy hat was pretty bad.

You are adorable D! I think we could make some pretty babies. What's your address?

Calm. The. Fuck. Down. This is why people think you're crazy. And trust me, I know a little something about being called crazy. But tell me this, if I'm so "crazy", then how come God gave me this rifle and put me in charge of punishing the wicked.

Do you like petite women or thick women?

I like all women. I can't stress that enough. Although my preference is for a little extra meat on them bones. Can you imagine me having sex with Nicole Ritchie? I'd have to use a shoehorn to get my penis inside her!


I know you are in love with Beyonce but she is just disgraceful in that Deja Vu video. She can't dance she's just shaking to be shaking!

And go ahead, people used to say mean things about me too. "What does he know, he's just a handsome kickboxer from the wrong side of the tracks, he's got no chance with Beyonce." But that's when I get on stage at the high society dinner and give my big emotional speech in front of the entire ballroom, saying how all Beyonce and I need are each other. And also her thighs. The blue bloods won't approve, but then a slow applause will build across the floor as my views and beliefs are accepted. And that's when Beyonce parts the crowd and comes running into my arms. So go ahead, make your mean little comments, it's only gonna drive B to me faster.

My friend gave me the address to your blog because she said you were funny and handsome. She said you had a great smile and I think I agree on all of those. Just thought I'd share that with you.

Damn critics. This week it's my smile. Last week someone said my matinee idol good looks were my best feature, when everybody knows it's my ass!

You and I have the same sense of humor but you never come to my blog. Are you scared of a little competition? LOL

I read your blog a couple of times. Anne Frank's diary was funnier than that crap.

I hate you. You're a liar. I'm going to dedicate a whole blog to telling people how creepy and crazy you are!

Mental Note: When I hold my fake casting calls I should make the nudity clear from the beginning. Some of the girls looked pretty surprised. Even more so when they tried to leave and realized the moat I had installed was filled with crocodiles.

Funny, witty, charming, handsome. I know you have to have a girfriend! It's ok you can tell me. What is she like?

Ahhhh. Don't get me started! She's wonderful! She's warm, gentle, and caring. And she's so sexy! Sure, she's filled with sawdust and has buttons for eyes but she's all the woman I need.

Tell me the worst night mare you've ever had.

I'm walked into Halle Berry's house, walking toward her bedroom, I see her stilettos on the floor, then her top, then her bra, then her leather pants, then her soiled diaper. Then I just turn around and start whimpering, and doing that run-walk thing towards the front door.

Ok my little pretties enough of that nonsense. I'm on the plantation and so that means there is work to be done. Hey my boss is staring at me right now. Hard. Could this be the day she finally makes my dreams come true and fires me? I can only hope so!!!

Oh and don't forget to vote for me!

The Connection...

You will be different, sometimes you'll feel like an outcast, but you'll never be alone. You will make my strength your own. You will see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father and the father becomes the son.

It was the summer of 1987. It was a much simpler time. I had no idea that Boy George and George Michael were singing to men nor that Michael Jackson was singing to little boys. I was 11 years old and convinced that Shemika Martin was going to be my wife. One of the few things that I thought my dad and I had in common was our love of the movies. I remember hinting around to him all week that Superman IV was coming out over the weekend and that we could go to a matinee to save a couple of dollars. You see by the time I was 8 I knew that appealing to my dad's frugal side was a win-win situation for everybody. I also reminded him of the video game in the theater called Ikari Warriors that he loved to play. Back then I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that a grown man would enjoy video games.

You will see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father and the father becomes the son.

Fast forward almost 20 years to July 06. I'm in my guest room where my dad is sleeping and where my PS2 resides. I'm playing GTA: San Andreas and my dad is over my shoulder barking instructions like "Go left!" "Shoot him!" and "Boy you can't drive!" It took 19 years but it just hit me that I too am a grown man that loves video games. My brother wasn't there to divert his attention and we didn't need to keep getting quarters to play. It was just then that I was able to myself in his shoes 20 years earlier. I saw his life through my eyes.

Monday afternoon when I got home from a hard days work I found him chilling on the couch watching television. I was tempted to ask him if he had taken out the trash the way he would've done me back in the day when he would get home from work but I let him slide. He sat up and informed me that he had washed the dishes and that he was wondering if we could go see Superman the next night. The son had become the father and the father had became the son. Yesterday when I got home we went straight to the theater hoping to catch an early show so we could pay matinee prices. Unfortunately we had to wait for a 7:10 show but it gave us time to sit and talk.

As we sat there in the lobby he asked me about my job and if I had any hobbies. Although I had mentioned my blog to him before it was never anything in detail. I decided to tell him more about it and to let him know that I have recently started freelance writing for a hip hop magazine. His reaction caught me off guard. He quickly sat up straight in the little red chair and said almost in a whisper "You know I always wanted to be a writer when I was younger." Now I sat up straight too. We were looking at each other like we had just met. Silence. The chit chatter of the people walking by slowly faded away as we both seemed to be suspended in time. I knew we were a lot a like but I'd never known about his desire towrite and he never knew it about me. Finally he broke the silence by telling me how he used his writing as therapy and how he still writes stuff down in a notebook he carries. He told me about the joy he got out of expressing himself in different ways as he wrote and how fulfilling it was even though he never received a dime for anything he had written and how some of his friends thought that he was odd for enjoying reading and writing. He asked did other people read the stuff I wrote on the internet and I told him all about My Loyal Subjects and he got more and more excited. We discussed the magazine I'm writing for and the time just flew by as I asked him questions and he asked me questions. Before we knew it the movie was starting.

You will make my strength your own...

In the last scene of the movie Superman says the quote at the beginning of this post. As he is saying it my dad reaches around and put is hands around the base of my neck and squeezed. It turns out I had missed the whole father/son message of the movie the first time I saw it but being there with my dad made it very clear. His approval and encouragement along with feeling his strong hand squeeze me with love was the first step in making his strength my own.

Really Effing Stupid...

Ok you can go vote for me. I think the category is Blog Prom King or something. Thank you to whoever nominated me. Carry on.

ESPN Bloopers

I crack up everytime I see these bloopers and so I thought I'd share them. My favorite is the first one when Charley Stein tries to get through a story about Mitch "Blood" Green and Mike Tyson. It's even funny with the sound off. Carl Lewis singing the National Anthem is hilarious as well. Enjoy.

Psalm 73...

Watch out what you cling to
Observe how a King do
And I remain calm readin' the 73 Psalm
Cause wit all this going on
I got the world in my palm
You could get the money
You could get the power
But keep your eyes on the final hour-Lauryn Hill FINAL HOUR

Psalm 73: 2-28
2 As for me, my feet had almost turned aside,My steps had nearly been made to slip.
3 For I became envious of the boasters,[When] I would see the very peace of wicked people.
4 For they have no deathly pangs;And their paunch is fat.
5 They are not even in the trouble of mortal man,And they are not plagued the same as other men.
6 Therefore haughtiness has served as a necklace to them;Violence envelops them as a garment.
7 Their eye has bulged from fatness;They have exceeded the imaginations of the heart.
8 They scoff and speak about what is bad;About defrauding they speak in an elevated style.
9 They have put their mouth in the very heavens,And their tongue itself walks about in the earth.
10 Therefore he brings his people back hither,And the waters of what is full are drained out for them.
11 And they have said: "How has God come to know?And does there exist knowledge in the Most High?"
12 Look! These are the wicked, who are at ease indefinitely.They have increased [their] means of maintenance.
13 Surely it is in vain that I have cleansed my heartAnd that I wash my hands in innocence itself.
14 And I came to be plagued all day long, And my correction is every morning.
15 If I had said: "I will tell a story like that,"Look! against the generation of your sons I should have acted treacherously.
16 And I kept considering so as to know this;It was a trouble in my eyes,
17 Until I proceeded to come into the grand sanctuary of God.I wanted to discern their future.
18 Surely on slippery ground is where you place them.You have made them fall to ruins.
19 O how they have become an object of astonishment as in a moment![How] they have reached their end, have been brought to their finish through sudden terrors!
20 Like a dream after awaking, O Jehovah,[So] when arousing [yourself] you will despise their very image.
21 For my heart was souredAnd in my kidneys I was sharply pained,
22 And I was unreasoning and I could not know;I became as mere beasts from your standpoint.
23 But I am constantly with you;You have taken hold of my right hand.
24 With your counsel you will lead me, And afterward you will take me even to glory.
25 Whom do I have in the heavens? And besides you I do have no other delight on the earth.
26 My organism and my heart have failed. God is the rock of my heart and my share to time indefinite.
27 For, look! the very ones keeping away from you will perish. You will certainly silence every one immorally leaving you.
28 But as for me, the drawing near to God is good for me. In the Sovereign Lord Jehovah I have placed my refuge, To declare all your works.

I've got some very important work to do. I'll be around. I hope yall understand.