The Saddam Interview....

Good morning My Loyal Subjects. Today is a very serious day so wipe those poop eating grins off of your face! I, The Good King Ddot, have scored one of the most sought after interviews on the planet. That's right friends(we're not really friends remember?) the former ruler of Iraq has agreed to sit down and talk to The King and to let the world hear his side of the story.

As I walked into his cell he seemed to be taken aback as he had heard he would be interviewed by a King. I quickly eased his fears as I showed him my "I HATE BUSH" t-shirt. But for some reason I still don't think he took me as seriously as I had hoped as you will see from the transcripts from the interview. Before you read this I want you all to remain open minded and objective because nobody is ALL bad. If Saddam and Bush were opposing captains of a dodgeball team whose team would you want to be on?! Case closed. Ok on to the interview, this should be fun.

KING: Hello Mr. Hussein.

Saddam: I am the President of Iraq! Refer to me as such! What is your name?

King: You can call me King.

Saddam: You aren't the King of anything so I will not call you King.

King: Well you aren't exactly the President of anything either! So you can call me Ddot and I will call you Sdot. How's that?

Saddam: I can deal with King.

King: Thought so. Let's get started shall we?

Saddam: Ok.

King: Why did you kill and torture all those people?

Saddam: Huh? What kind of question is that?!

King: I ain't Dan Rather homey.

Saddam: I am the President of a country do I have time to oversee torture and killings?!

King: Lower your voice dude. If I go upside your head do you think those US troops standing outside are going to come in here and get me off of you?

Saddam: Are you one of those rappers or something?

King: You watch too much T.V. Sadaam. Rappers aren't tough guys in real life! We are getting off the subject. Ok maybe you didn't have time to kill ALL those people but your sons and Generals carried them out in your name.

Saddam: Can I control everything that someone who is associated with me does?

King: Ah man Sadaam I feel you. Last week I got into this internet beef because...

Saddam: Am I being Punk'd? Or Is this some new bizarre form of punishment? Who sent you? George Bush or Ashton Kutcher?

King: You're right. Ok so where did you hide the weapons of mass destruction?

Saddam: I never had any.

King: Then why did everybody think that you did?

Saddam: Because I wanted them to think I had them. I have a rep for being a mad man. What kind of mad man in the 21st century doesn't have weapons of mass destruction?! It was so embarrassing. Kim Jung-il would call and taunt me because he's starving his people and nobody says a word. Why? Because he has enough weapons to blow up over half of the U.S.

King: So you're telling me that you made it seem like you had the weapons to keep your rep?

Saddam: It is embarrassing but yes.

King: So Bush isn't totally at fault since you tricked him into believing you had WMDs!

Saddam: Oh no he knew I didn't have them. He and I used to be tight. In the 80's we'd snort coke and get drunk until we passed out. We were so tight that everytime I had someone executed he'd try to get someone in Texas executed. Yep. Those were the good ol days. He'd always talk about how he wished someone would kill his dad and that way he'd have the countries sympathy and then he could win the Presidency. He would then go into a partnership with me and we'd control 80% of the world's oil.

King: Wait. Is that why you tried to assasinate his dad?

Saddam: Yes and then he turned on me and now he has control over all that oil and I'm on trial for my life.

King: Son of a....

Saddam: Exactly. Never trust white people King.

King: Ummm...I can't co-sign that Sadaam. I love white women.

Saddam: Oh I didn't say don't have sex with them! I said don't trust them.

King: I've been watching you in court. You seem to be very upset about what's going on.

Saddam: They are my children.

King: *laughing uncontrollably* What do you mean they are your children?

Saddam: I am the father of this country. The people of Iraq are my children. That includes this Judge who is under U.S. control. This trial is a mockery. It's not real. You hold George Washington in high regard. He is the father of your country. Well what if another country had invaded the U.S. while he was President and put him on trial because the slave trade was going on?

King: Yeah but....I'll have to think about that one. So what about the torture? Are they torturing you and the other prisoners?

Saddam: Oh my goodness yes! Please tell the world that they are forcing us to watch Usher's new movie In the Mix over and over again.

King: Those sick bastards! First Abu Ghraib and now this. Someone needs to investigate.

Saddam: Exactly. No amount of atrocities against mankind deserves that type of punishment.

King: Well look on the bright side. At least they haven't forced you to listen to Lil Kim's latest cd.

Saddam: Shhhh! Please do not give them any ideas!

King: Ok before I go if you could have invaded the US and captured George Bush what would you have done to him?

Saddam: I would have been a lot more humane! First I would have slowly beheaded him and then I would have shot his head out of a canon at his headless body. I would have then ordered his head to be placed on a wall so that all who came by could throw rocks at it.

King: Wow. Ummm well I guess even that would be better than the Usher movie. Ok I'm out Sadaam but I'll be back in a few days if you'd like to talk to me again.

Saddam: Yes please return. Oh and King can you put a little money on my books and bring me some t-shirts when you come back?

King: First things first. Get your hand off of my knee. Second I am not your girlfriend. Get one of your 25 wives to bring you some shirts!

Sadaam: Please please King. I need them so bad!

King: Man get off of me! Guard! Saddam says he wants to watch a movie!

Saddam: NOOOOOO!!!!!!

Ok folks so there you have part 1 of what has to be the most riveting interview ever recorded. Stay tuned for part 2 in the next few weeks.