The Mailbag...

Time for another Mailbag as I continue in my goal of posting everyday like I used to. So keep emailing me your weird, funny, and idiotic emails!!! As always these are actual emails from my readers. Enjoy.

I've noticed that you've become nicer lately. You're showing more of your sensitive side. If it's not an act then it's cool to see another side of you.

I am a prick. Don't let the nice little stories fool you. This morning I attempted to stab sunshine and innocence but the knife wouldn't stick.

D I'm serious about my sister. She thinks you're really funny. I gave you her number but you haven't called her. Are you scared or something? LOL! Seriously she's cute and yet kinda sexy!

If I want cute and kinda sexy I'll hump a baby koala. Wait. Replace that with something funny and that makes sense.

Now that you've changed how do your old thug buddies look at you?

Well of course when I'm around them some of the old stuff comes back out but I'm sure to them it's sorta like watching a puppy growl. He thinks he's scarying you but it's really just kind of funny. Besides it's kind of hard to act tough when you're wearing a sweater vest from the Gap.

What is the worst thing you've ever done?

I'm sorry I'm not here to incriminate myself. But I guess punching out that stripper and then doing a rail off of her ass while she lay face down in her own puke while wearing a cowboy hat was pretty bad.

You are adorable D! I think we could make some pretty babies. What's your address?

Calm. The. Fuck. Down. This is why people think you're crazy. And trust me, I know a little something about being called crazy. But tell me this, if I'm so "crazy", then how come God gave me this rifle and put me in charge of punishing the wicked.

Do you like petite women or thick women?

I like all women. I can't stress that enough. Although my preference is for a little extra meat on them bones. Can you imagine me having sex with Nicole Ritchie? I'd have to use a shoehorn to get my penis inside her!


I know you are in love with Beyonce but she is just disgraceful in that Deja Vu video. She can't dance she's just shaking to be shaking!

And go ahead, people used to say mean things about me too. "What does he know, he's just a handsome kickboxer from the wrong side of the tracks, he's got no chance with Beyonce." But that's when I get on stage at the high society dinner and give my big emotional speech in front of the entire ballroom, saying how all Beyonce and I need are each other. And also her thighs. The blue bloods won't approve, but then a slow applause will build across the floor as my views and beliefs are accepted. And that's when Beyonce parts the crowd and comes running into my arms. So go ahead, make your mean little comments, it's only gonna drive B to me faster.

My friend gave me the address to your blog because she said you were funny and handsome. She said you had a great smile and I think I agree on all of those. Just thought I'd share that with you.

Damn critics. This week it's my smile. Last week someone said my matinee idol good looks were my best feature, when everybody knows it's my ass!

You and I have the same sense of humor but you never come to my blog. Are you scared of a little competition? LOL

I read your blog a couple of times. Anne Frank's diary was funnier than that crap.

I hate you. You're a liar. I'm going to dedicate a whole blog to telling people how creepy and crazy you are!

Mental Note: When I hold my fake casting calls I should make the nudity clear from the beginning. Some of the girls looked pretty surprised. Even more so when they tried to leave and realized the moat I had installed was filled with crocodiles.

Funny, witty, charming, handsome. I know you have to have a girfriend! It's ok you can tell me. What is she like?

Ahhhh. Don't get me started! She's wonderful! She's warm, gentle, and caring. And she's so sexy! Sure, she's filled with sawdust and has buttons for eyes but she's all the woman I need.

Tell me the worst night mare you've ever had.

I'm walked into Halle Berry's house, walking toward her bedroom, I see her stilettos on the floor, then her top, then her bra, then her leather pants, then her soiled diaper. Then I just turn around and start whimpering, and doing that run-walk thing towards the front door.

Ok my little pretties enough of that nonsense. I'm on the plantation and so that means there is work to be done. Hey my boss is staring at me right now. Hard. Could this be the day she finally makes my dreams come true and fires me? I can only hope so!!!

Oh and don't forget to vote for me!