RTF...

It's Friday my little pretties!!! My boss is off and I haven't popped a Zoloft in weeks which means that lump of cells that I call my brain is all over the place this morning. So once again my nuttiness is on display for your entertainment purposes.

The word got out that RTF was making it's triumphant return this week and the gentleman in this video got the news right before his wedding started. He tried to contain his happiness but like all of us it just got to be too much. You don't even need sound to appreciate his overwhelming joy at hearing the good news.





Now see that just warms my heart. When my ridiculousness can cause this type of reaction I know one of two things is true. 1) I am a freaking genius or B) There are some nutty people walking around this planet. I think I'll go with option D) All of the above.

On to the thoughts!!!!


I've got 7 extra tickets to Six Flags for August 5th. Who's riding with me?


I don't ride roller coasters.

Have you ever seen a little African man do the Young Joc dance or the Lean Wit it Rock Wit it dance? Trust me, it's hilarious.

We had another going away dinner at work yesterday. That makes like 4 in the past month. All managers. I'm fully expecting to show up to work one day and see yellow tape around the building.

I just heard that Halle Berry ws pregnant. I don't believe it for one second. I think Halle is just trying to trap me. I said NO Halle! Deal with it.

I am the real life Victor Newman.

I went to Target last night and there was a Bentley in the parking lot. I didn't think Bentleys were allowed in Target parking lots. I naturally assumed they had some self destruct mechanism and the Bentley would kill itself if its owner was in a store where a friendly dog led the way to savings.

Kool and Kween don't know what a Maybach is. I don't know if I think that's cool or strange. Go check out their page ladies.
The next time you hear a rapper talk about his 'bach then you'll understand a little better. I love educating people.

I won a $75 gift certificate to Sears so if you want a cheap shirt or something you'd better be nice to me!

I am going to have to talk to Human Resources about these women at my job. They ogle my butt and my package whenever I walk by and it just makes me feel dirty.

My job has all of a sudden stopped blocking Myspace. How is it that they make my life so miserable and yet so fun at the same time?

Now should I start a myspace page and take it over much like blogger?

I like GP's new spot.

Unga Bunga.

Ok I'm losing it.



HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYBODY!!!

The Mailbag...

Yep it's Thursday which means it's time for the Mailbag. The mailbag has become almost as popular as RTF. Speaking of which whatever happened to RTF?! You are slipping D! Get it together you lazy bum! Ok see I said it for you now that should cut down on my emails by about a million tommorrow morning.

At any rate here are some of the real emails my Loyal Subjects as well as the haters have sent me in the last seven days. As always I answer each and everyone from the heart. Enjoy.


D, I don't like it when you're grouchy. What makes you happy?

The laughter of little children as they frolic and play. Oh and rainbows. Don't tell anyone but sometimes I cry a little when I see a pretty rainbow. Not buying it are you? Ok all I really want is a Maybach and some whores.

Your too cynical and self-righteous. You need to work on that if you ever want a relationship to work.

So, let me get this straight - jacking off a geriatric stranger in the bushes won't help me in my relationships? So the dude at the truck stop lied to me? Oh, well, god, now I just feel silly.

You're so mean. I bet you treat your women terrible!

First of all it's always something when you only deal with models like I do and you're as handsome as me. Just the other day one of the models started to turn blue and flail around at the bottom of the hot tub, obviously throwing a little tantrum because she wasn't the center of attention. But I don't roll like that, baby, so I just ignored her, and sure enough she stopped after a few minutes. Harsh? Maybe, but it's all part of my tough love program.

You have an unhealthy obsession with Beyonce and Halle Berry. They might need beef up security when you're around! LOL!

So let me get this straight. I'm obsessed just because I'd make Halle wear assless chaps and a policeman's hat to my parents funeral?! I'm obsessed just because I duct taped a blonde wig to one of my pillows and whisper sweet nothings into it's imaginary ear?! Well the joke is on you because B loved that joke I made about Jay-Z being a talentless bum last night! We laughed and laughed. Then we held each other and then...well that's none of your business. Me and Beyonce like to keep a hot and steamy love life to ourselves! That reminds me, I need to wash that pillowcase when I get home tonight.

You don't have an ounce of class. Your mother should be ashamed!

Well it depends on what your definition of class is. In my little world it's biting your tongue and not telling the cocktail waitress that you desperately want to f*ck her in the ass, even though, in reality, you would very much like to f*ck her in the ass. Stay classy Kingdom!

Would you ever want me if I was single?

"Want" is a tricky word. I'd want you to do really disgusting things to me and I'd probably want to do some things to you that are illegal in 15 states. Now would I want to marry you? Well yeah I'd probably want to but then I'd have quit my tour of the world having sex with parapalegic women and causing them to walk again. So sure I'd want you but science says my penis is more powerful than all of us my friend. So unless you have something against women in wheelchairs stop being selfish!

I been told that you throwin a bunch of shots at me over here on ya blog Potna! But it don't matter I'm still a Boss of blogger and still da Mack of blogs! Don't hate cuz your bitches choos me!

Wow I feel priveledged that you took time out from putting eye liner on your Care Bear to send me hate mail. A real mack wouldn't cry they way you do. Although making grown men cry is what life is all about. At least that's what my mom said. "Ddot" she would say "Life is all about making grown men cry" It sure is mom. It sure is.

Oh and calling yourself "boss of blogger" and "mack of blogs" is like being named the "fastest child molestor". It's great that you won the title, but just realize that we all still hate you.



Wow it's 4:30 and I never posted this crap?! Oh well my boss is off tomorrow so stay tuned tomorrow for something just a weird and terrible!!

I'm Confused....Not Really...

So there I was watching the highlights of Tiger Woods winning the British Open on Sportscenter when it happened. My head had become slightly tilted to the left and wrinkles formed between my two eyebrows. I was familiar with this position as I was constantly in this state during high school math courses. Yep I was confused. Again.

You see Stuart Scott was going on and on about Tiger's dad who died back in May had "been with Tiger" all week. Then they started in on how Chris DiMarco who came in second was also mourning the death of his mother and how she had too had "helped" her son all week from the big clubhouse in the sky.

Huh?

I'm confused.

So both players had parents helping them from heaven. So why wasn't there a tie? Was Ms. DiMarco off getting a refill on milk and honey during the back nine? Or maybe even in heaven Earl Woods knows more about golf than Chris' mom.

My head is tilting more and more. My eyebrows have scrunched up so much that they are touching. None of this makes sense to me. I'm a reasonable person. Stuart Scott and the Sportscenter anchors always seemed reasonable too. This storyline about Tiger winning because of supernatural powers doesn't seem odd to anybody else? C'mon it's not like Tiger never won anything until his dad died and then his dad helped him to finally win one. Tiger has dominated for the last 10 years. Do.mi.na.ted.

Tiger won because he's good, very good. DiMarco came in second because he is really good too. There were no ghosts floating around the golf course pushing balls into holes. No angels helping to decide which club to use on the next hole.

Had Tiger been the only one to have lost a parent and they went with this storyline I would've been irritated but not as much as when they still try to use it after saying both players lost someone. it just doesn't make sense. It confuses me. Not really because we all know that I have a highly evolved brain but I'm sure my head wasn't the only one twisted when they all but said Chris DiMarco's mom dropped the ball so to speak. Her son is already a loser on Earth but to call his mom a loser in the afterlife is just plain pitiful.

So I finally get my head back ons traight and leave the house. I get to work and do the same thing I do every morning when i get to work. I go to ESPN.com and surf for info on the Redskins and Tarheels. Then I saw a link about Tiger and clicked on it. This what the first paragraph of the the story said and I kid you not: Up in the Great Clubhouse in the Sky, Earl Woods is loving this one. Got himself a whiskey tumbler in one hand and a burning cigarette in the other. Got tears rolling down his cheeks. Got something to say to everyone around him at the 19th hole: "That's my boy. That's how I taught him to play thinking man's golf."

They are drinking and smoking in heaven now?! Wow. They must be under new management.

Now I know some of yall have no clue as to what my beef is since you've been taught that your loved ones are in heaven kicking with J.C. and his posse of angels but that's just not the case. And even if it was the case I don't think they'd be sipping whiskey. But the fact that somebody could broadcast or type that nonsense confuses the crap out of me.

Oh well I can't dwell on this any longer. I have to go get something for this crick in my neck. Thanks a lot ESPN.

The Mailbag...

Time for another Mailbag as I continue in my goal of posting everyday like I used to. So keep emailing me your weird, funny, and idiotic emails!!! As always these are actual emails from my readers. Enjoy.

I've noticed that you've become nicer lately. You're showing more of your sensitive side. If it's not an act then it's cool to see another side of you.

I am a prick. Don't let the nice little stories fool you. This morning I attempted to stab sunshine and innocence but the knife wouldn't stick.

D I'm serious about my sister. She thinks you're really funny. I gave you her number but you haven't called her. Are you scared or something? LOL! Seriously she's cute and yet kinda sexy!

If I want cute and kinda sexy I'll hump a baby koala. Wait. Replace that with something funny and that makes sense.

Now that you've changed how do your old thug buddies look at you?

Well of course when I'm around them some of the old stuff comes back out but I'm sure to them it's sorta like watching a puppy growl. He thinks he's scarying you but it's really just kind of funny. Besides it's kind of hard to act tough when you're wearing a sweater vest from the Gap.

What is the worst thing you've ever done?

I'm sorry I'm not here to incriminate myself. But I guess punching out that stripper and then doing a rail off of her ass while she lay face down in her own puke while wearing a cowboy hat was pretty bad.

You are adorable D! I think we could make some pretty babies. What's your address?

Calm. The. Fuck. Down. This is why people think you're crazy. And trust me, I know a little something about being called crazy. But tell me this, if I'm so "crazy", then how come God gave me this rifle and put me in charge of punishing the wicked.

Do you like petite women or thick women?

I like all women. I can't stress that enough. Although my preference is for a little extra meat on them bones. Can you imagine me having sex with Nicole Ritchie? I'd have to use a shoehorn to get my penis inside her!


I know you are in love with Beyonce but she is just disgraceful in that Deja Vu video. She can't dance she's just shaking to be shaking!

And go ahead, people used to say mean things about me too. "What does he know, he's just a handsome kickboxer from the wrong side of the tracks, he's got no chance with Beyonce." But that's when I get on stage at the high society dinner and give my big emotional speech in front of the entire ballroom, saying how all Beyonce and I need are each other. And also her thighs. The blue bloods won't approve, but then a slow applause will build across the floor as my views and beliefs are accepted. And that's when Beyonce parts the crowd and comes running into my arms. So go ahead, make your mean little comments, it's only gonna drive B to me faster.

My friend gave me the address to your blog because she said you were funny and handsome. She said you had a great smile and I think I agree on all of those. Just thought I'd share that with you.

Damn critics. This week it's my smile. Last week someone said my matinee idol good looks were my best feature, when everybody knows it's my ass!

You and I have the same sense of humor but you never come to my blog. Are you scared of a little competition? LOL

I read your blog a couple of times. Anne Frank's diary was funnier than that crap.

I hate you. You're a liar. I'm going to dedicate a whole blog to telling people how creepy and crazy you are!

Mental Note: When I hold my fake casting calls I should make the nudity clear from the beginning. Some of the girls looked pretty surprised. Even more so when they tried to leave and realized the moat I had installed was filled with crocodiles.

Funny, witty, charming, handsome. I know you have to have a girfriend! It's ok you can tell me. What is she like?

Ahhhh. Don't get me started! She's wonderful! She's warm, gentle, and caring. And she's so sexy! Sure, she's filled with sawdust and has buttons for eyes but she's all the woman I need.

Tell me the worst night mare you've ever had.

I'm walked into Halle Berry's house, walking toward her bedroom, I see her stilettos on the floor, then her top, then her bra, then her leather pants, then her soiled diaper. Then I just turn around and start whimpering, and doing that run-walk thing towards the front door.

Ok my little pretties enough of that nonsense. I'm on the plantation and so that means there is work to be done. Hey my boss is staring at me right now. Hard. Could this be the day she finally makes my dreams come true and fires me? I can only hope so!!!

Oh and don't forget to vote for me!

The Connection...

You will be different, sometimes you'll feel like an outcast, but you'll never be alone. You will make my strength your own. You will see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father and the father becomes the son.

It was the summer of 1987. It was a much simpler time. I had no idea that Boy George and George Michael were singing to men nor that Michael Jackson was singing to little boys. I was 11 years old and convinced that Shemika Martin was going to be my wife. One of the few things that I thought my dad and I had in common was our love of the movies. I remember hinting around to him all week that Superman IV was coming out over the weekend and that we could go to a matinee to save a couple of dollars. You see by the time I was 8 I knew that appealing to my dad's frugal side was a win-win situation for everybody. I also reminded him of the video game in the theater called Ikari Warriors that he loved to play. Back then I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that a grown man would enjoy video games.

You will see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father and the father becomes the son.

Fast forward almost 20 years to July 06. I'm in my guest room where my dad is sleeping and where my PS2 resides. I'm playing GTA: San Andreas and my dad is over my shoulder barking instructions like "Go left!" "Shoot him!" and "Boy you can't drive!" It took 19 years but it just hit me that I too am a grown man that loves video games. My brother wasn't there to divert his attention and we didn't need to keep getting quarters to play. It was just then that I was able to myself in his shoes 20 years earlier. I saw his life through my eyes.

Monday afternoon when I got home from a hard days work I found him chilling on the couch watching television. I was tempted to ask him if he had taken out the trash the way he would've done me back in the day when he would get home from work but I let him slide. He sat up and informed me that he had washed the dishes and that he was wondering if we could go see Superman the next night. The son had become the father and the father had became the son. Yesterday when I got home we went straight to the theater hoping to catch an early show so we could pay matinee prices. Unfortunately we had to wait for a 7:10 show but it gave us time to sit and talk.

As we sat there in the lobby he asked me about my job and if I had any hobbies. Although I had mentioned my blog to him before it was never anything in detail. I decided to tell him more about it and to let him know that I have recently started freelance writing for a hip hop magazine. His reaction caught me off guard. He quickly sat up straight in the little red chair and said almost in a whisper "You know I always wanted to be a writer when I was younger." Now I sat up straight too. We were looking at each other like we had just met. Silence. The chit chatter of the people walking by slowly faded away as we both seemed to be suspended in time. I knew we were a lot a like but I'd never known about his desire towrite and he never knew it about me. Finally he broke the silence by telling me how he used his writing as therapy and how he still writes stuff down in a notebook he carries. He told me about the joy he got out of expressing himself in different ways as he wrote and how fulfilling it was even though he never received a dime for anything he had written and how some of his friends thought that he was odd for enjoying reading and writing. He asked did other people read the stuff I wrote on the internet and I told him all about My Loyal Subjects and he got more and more excited. We discussed the magazine I'm writing for and the time just flew by as I asked him questions and he asked me questions. Before we knew it the movie was starting.

You will make my strength your own...

In the last scene of the movie Superman says the quote at the beginning of this post. As he is saying it my dad reaches around and put is hands around the base of my neck and squeezed. It turns out I had missed the whole father/son message of the movie the first time I saw it but being there with my dad made it very clear. His approval and encouragement along with feeling his strong hand squeeze me with love was the first step in making his strength my own.

Really Effing Stupid...

Ok you can go vote for me. I think the category is Blog Prom King or something. Thank you to whoever nominated me. Carry on.

ESPN Bloopers

I crack up everytime I see these bloopers and so I thought I'd share them. My favorite is the first one when Charley Stein tries to get through a story about Mitch "Blood" Green and Mike Tyson. It's even funny with the sound off. Carl Lewis singing the National Anthem is hilarious as well. Enjoy.

Psalm 73...

Watch out what you cling to
Observe how a King do
And I remain calm readin' the 73 Psalm
Cause wit all this going on
I got the world in my palm
You could get the money
You could get the power
But keep your eyes on the final hour-Lauryn Hill FINAL HOUR

Psalm 73: 2-28
2 As for me, my feet had almost turned aside,My steps had nearly been made to slip.
3 For I became envious of the boasters,[When] I would see the very peace of wicked people.
4 For they have no deathly pangs;And their paunch is fat.
5 They are not even in the trouble of mortal man,And they are not plagued the same as other men.
6 Therefore haughtiness has served as a necklace to them;Violence envelops them as a garment.
7 Their eye has bulged from fatness;They have exceeded the imaginations of the heart.
8 They scoff and speak about what is bad;About defrauding they speak in an elevated style.
9 They have put their mouth in the very heavens,And their tongue itself walks about in the earth.
10 Therefore he brings his people back hither,And the waters of what is full are drained out for them.
11 And they have said: "How has God come to know?And does there exist knowledge in the Most High?"
12 Look! These are the wicked, who are at ease indefinitely.They have increased [their] means of maintenance.
13 Surely it is in vain that I have cleansed my heartAnd that I wash my hands in innocence itself.
14 And I came to be plagued all day long, And my correction is every morning.
15 If I had said: "I will tell a story like that,"Look! against the generation of your sons I should have acted treacherously.
16 And I kept considering so as to know this;It was a trouble in my eyes,
17 Until I proceeded to come into the grand sanctuary of God.I wanted to discern their future.
18 Surely on slippery ground is where you place them.You have made them fall to ruins.
19 O how they have become an object of astonishment as in a moment![How] they have reached their end, have been brought to their finish through sudden terrors!
20 Like a dream after awaking, O Jehovah,[So] when arousing [yourself] you will despise their very image.
21 For my heart was souredAnd in my kidneys I was sharply pained,
22 And I was unreasoning and I could not know;I became as mere beasts from your standpoint.
23 But I am constantly with you;You have taken hold of my right hand.
24 With your counsel you will lead me, And afterward you will take me even to glory.
25 Whom do I have in the heavens? And besides you I do have no other delight on the earth.
26 My organism and my heart have failed. God is the rock of my heart and my share to time indefinite.
27 For, look! the very ones keeping away from you will perish. You will certainly silence every one immorally leaving you.
28 But as for me, the drawing near to God is good for me. In the Sovereign Lord Jehovah I have placed my refuge, To declare all your works.

I've got some very important work to do. I'll be around. I hope yall understand.

Weak Post...

They can be a great people, Kal-El, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I have sent them you... my only son.

The above quote is from the latest Superman movie which I saw last Friday and thoroughly enjoyed. But when I heard that quote along with watching Superman get pierced in the side, and at one point floating through space with his arms stretched out after saving Earth which was extremely reminiscent of the picture we see of Jesus on a cross(something that never actually happened), I started to wonder whether I was watching Superman Returns Or Jesus Returns.

The Jesus allegory is used a lot. Usually the character will have the initials J.C. to really drive the point home. Like John Coffey in The Green Mile. There are numerous other examples in literature and film but I don't feel like doing the research or typing anymore for that matter. Although I always welcome a good religious debate! Hey Nikki! LOL! Ok I'm done.